100. Looking Back (i)

So how has this part of the Journey been so far?

Overall good.

I finally found the courage and wherewithal to start my own little company and once I had a few customers who appeared ‘steady’ then I skipped the insurance payments and went solo. I ought to be afraid, I suppose, but I am not – not yet at any rate.

We do have Char’s inheritance from her grand mum to fall back on; not that we’d want to go there, because they are essentially savings for a house.

But we do have it, even if it will be hard and difficult for me to ask that we draw some money from that, if I fail in my business and if Char doesn’t get a new job after maternity leave. It’s not the best of worlds, financially, in our part of the world, but it’s not the worst either.

I have gotten more used to ‘Jay’s coming’ although I still have some nervousness about the whole birth-thing, paradoxically (since I won’t be lending my body to it). But overall I feel more ready for that than before. Information has helped a lot. I read a lot. We went to meetings at the hospital etc. I feel more accepting that maybe it won’t all be perfect and comfy, certainly not! –

But it will very rarely be bloody and tragic either. No matter what, I remember that I tried some time ago to promise myself that I would use this opportunity to test my faith in Something Larger. God, the Divine, what you want to call it. I don’t know exactly how This Larger Something works, I only feel very strongly that it is there – despite the chaos and darkness in this world.

And that it can and will and is helping us, but that we have to learn to receive that help, all of the time.

So I believe it is about mindset, and maybe heart-set, too. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to work with that at the hospital and in the days after, but I suppose prayers and affirmations are in order, and then reporting the results here. It’s not so much about whether or not everything will be perfect. I doubt it will.

More about feeling calm if and when there is a crisis. Earth wasn’t created to be Paradise, that much is obvious. So if there is Something More then that Something can help us, I believe, but it can’t change the fact that this dimension is not Paradise. It wasn’t meant to be.

All that being said, I feel deeply now that overall the birth will go well, as well as the time afterwards. Probably not as bad as I can sometimes fear, probably not as good as I hope. But in-between will do fine. I really feel that. Now.

Creatively things are a bit in flux, but I seem to be at a place where I have given up on ever drawing a comic book again (I did so in my teens – rather regularly).

I simply don’t have the patience, as with writing novels. Or the dedication. Or the determination. Other things are more important to me. However, I still love drawing and feel it is good and necessary for my soul, so to speak.

In terms of art and business, I feel very motivated to market  new live talks about fascinating historical characters, so at least I can earn money that way from my time, and not doing webdesign for more or less dodgy clients. I already feel very motivated to create a new live talk about the real Robinson Crusoe – Alexander Selkirk.

That would be a great addition to Columbus, the Inca Princess, Eleanor of Aquitaine and Joan of Arc. A wholly different character, a wholly different story, and lots of chances to both try to get my audience to identify with the man and just entertain them with all the crazy pirate-stories of the era, particularly those in connection with that certified scoundrel, William Dampier, who played such a significant role in Selkirk’s life.

A number of things are … lagging. My attempts at being more mindful by shutting out noise from the Internet and other sources is difficult to maintain. But I suppose the worst is my difficulty with finding time to just … be. To pray. To walk. To do nothing.

And then try to feel and connect to The Something Larger that I believe is there. If nothing else, feel and connect with my own soul and deepest wishes for how the rest of my Life-Journey should unfold, to the degree that I can make it so.

The work, the daily routines, the shopping, the phone buzzing or the pipe clogging. All of that challenges this attempt at making more space for soul, so to speak. I wonder if Jay will help or hinder that? In a way, I think he can help – and I hope he will.

Sometimes infants steal your sleep and your peace of mind, so be it. But at other times they give you an excuse to just check out of everything. I think Jay will give us that as well, so we’ll see what the mix will be here. But overall I’m not satisfied with what you could call the spiritual dimension of life now. It could and should be better.

I should create more alone-time or more time to Just Be. And feel. But … challenging.

Especially now.

As a measure, for what it’s worth, I’ve decided to muster the courage not to take on new clients in the next two months, unless it’s someone very, very easily fit into my program such as it is.

Also, I am throwing things out now more than cleaning them up – in the always-too-small two-roomer. That helps. I wonder what else I can do …

 

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