A strange day, when work/meetings with two clients got cancelled for various reasons and I just kind of drifted, feeling restless.
But I had a good time to walk into a City-a-little-closer-to-spring and sit down at a central square with a sandwich and think of things.
I decided that despite the sudden ‘free hours’ there was nothing I had to do.
I was sick and tired of chasing myself with things I ‘had to do’ – be it clean the mess at home, find more clients, service existing clients, or going existential here on the Blog.
If you are chased by too many things ‘you have to do’, no matter their merit, you chase your soul out of your body. You become a machine. Less alive.
Sometimes the most alive you can feel comes from accepting and then just doing it: Sitting down and doing nothing.
Relaxing. Going with the flow. Whatever you want to call it.
And I am still so very bad at that.
I then called a good acquiantance to ask if he wanted to have coffee with me, because I passed his apartment and remembered it had been a long time.
He texted me back from Barcelona that he was not home until Monday. He is an author and had gone there to write.
A good ‘no thanks’ if there ever was one. I wish I was in Barca, too, sometimes. Not just to write. It is a lovely city and we haven’t been there since 2001.
Then I went home and began operation Clean-Up-Mess-before-I-become-a-father part 117, and it felt kind of good for once. I had accepted the day before, pretty definitively, that I would never get things as clean and neat as some part of me dreamt of. Not with my own company. Not with a child soon.
But in truth, I could probably make a major improvement by sorting, cleaning up and cleaning out, in about 16-18 hours for what remains in room 2, which is where we stacked all the books and Other Stuff to make a good children/parent bedroom in no. 1
… 16-18 hours.
Yeah, that was the assessment once I decided to just think about it rationally. We’ll see if it holds. I spent 3 today.
You know, i’s not so much overall, even if my calculation’s a bit off. I can do that time no matter what before Jay comes and messes things up again (but in a good way :).
And I could get rid of a lot more dead-weight in the process, like books that have gone unread for years.
They are still there, despite everything we have thrown out so far.
But even though, I’m still nervous about that awesome responsibility that awaits, it feels like more weight in general has lifted … somehow … from my life.
I don’t quite know how yet, but I suspect it’s because I’ve made peace with some of the things, mentioned above, on the home-front.
And I feel more at ease with my small business, and working with difficult clients, too. Taking risks … confronting problems and taking the argument.
I just know both has to be done. There’s no other way.
Accept and confront.
And be content, with what’s there. Otherwise … what’s the point?
Not that I shouldn’t strive higher, but like I will say many times over on this blog … it shouldn’t be a striving that makes me a captive of the future, unable to enjoy where I am.
Then life loses all its points …
Incidentally, the words below popped up on a social media feed later in the evening, and they felt strangely right.
We spend our lives, all of us, waiting for the great day, the great battle, or the deed of power. But that external consummation is not given to many: nor is it necessary. So long as our being is tensed, directed with passion, towards that which is the spirit of all things, then that spirit will emerge from our own hidden, nameless effort.
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin