I had two meetings today with people I helped with their websites. I also got 2 rejections from employers I applied for a job.
But at least I helped – did something for someone. The people in question were friends, by the way, but does it matter?
It might as well have been others, like a shop-owner I help regularly with her webshop … like today, actually. Yeah, I helped her today again which would make it 3 people, then.
It was a simple matter: some variant products that needed to be displayed or not according to stock level.
But it adds up.
So perhaps that is why the rejections don’t bother me so much. Maybe they will when we get closer to J’s birth and I still don’t have a regular income, from any number of sources, and my insurance is even closer to running out.
But not now.
I decided to apply for the limited programme for entrepreneurs who are still receiving their unemployment insurance, despite the red tape and risks.
I have also scheduled with a consultant from the insurance organisation – AAK – on the 29th to go over the rules, to make sure I don’t misstep in the beginning.
That feels … satisfactory. That I have made the decision.
And perhaps my decision is the reason why those rejections don’t matter.
I’m not just a victim. Of unemployment. I am not sitting and thinking about what I could possibly do to please employers.
I am actively trying to find new customers, too. Because employers really are quite difficult customers.
So I am the Captain here.
Maybe not of my destiny but close enough.
I don’t have any results yet but I’m taking action. I’m not just sitting down and letting it all bounce me around.
Char came home and said she wasn’t as scared now about the parasite/meat-poisoning as she was yesterday.
I breathed a sigh of relief. If this was her emotional rollercoaster slowing down … then it was a good sign.
I had felt worry, too, but in truth more about her, than about something happening to our child. I don’t really, deep down, believe in that until I see it.
In some way I think it helped that Char actually ordered a bloodtest to be taken 5 weeks from now, when it is possible first to detect infection (which often has no symptoms otherwise).
Maybe that got her imagining this particular reality so much in detail, by taking action, so she could finally feel that it wasn’t very likely?
Sometimes the reality we fear is less fearsome when we actually try, very concretely, to imagine it and act on it. I guess it could be because the very act of acting leaves us feeling empowered. And therefore a bit less afraid.
Fear is not just a feeling. It is also an action. Or lack thereof.
When you don’t do anything but go around and ruminate, or when you just lie in bed and think about stuff you fear – even worse …
Acting on the fear, putting something in motion, even if you don’t solve the fear … that probably has a positive effect. I’ve felt so on my own a number of times. Like when I make myself feel more mentally calm and ‘on course’, by just doing the dishes.
Not frenzied action to escape unpleasant feelings. Orderly calm action with purpose, even if it doesn’t change anything right away or is substantially relevant to the feelings at hand.
Doing all the dishes doesn’t solve my unemployment problem, but it makes me feel that maybe I have what it takes to solve it myself. Even if that is only proved, when it is proved. Or not. Down the line.
As a strange echo of this experience, I contacted an old friend, TS, today.
I had been threading water a bit about it, because I wasn’t sure she really wanted to meet up again, after 13 years, as we had talked about on Facebook. She did contact me first, but seemed, I felt, reluctant to take it any further.
I don’t think we can be friends again on any significant level in any near future and I don’t need us to, but there’s a feeling in me that we need some kind of closure in our friendship – esp. after having had a very, shall we say, intense friendship in high school.
A feeling it would be nice to meet, without any kind of bad feelings between each other and talk things through that happened 25 years ago from the vantage point of people who are much older and wiser and who don’t really care that much.
Or maybe just meet up and talk about something else and enjoy we’re able to do that now. I don’t care.
We last saw in other at a high school reunion in 2003, which went fine but there were a lot of other people so we really didn’t have a chance to talk privately.
We haven’t talked since. 13 years.
Then she messages me out of the blue in October.
Then we chat a few times.
I suggest we meeting up.
She says yes.
And then … I hesitate.
I feel like just letting it peter out, because I am in doubt if she really means it.
Maybe she just wanted to say hi on Facebook but was too polite to refuse when I took it one step further?
On the other hand, she’s a grown woman. She can say no or find reasonable excuses, can’t she? She’s savvy enough for that, isn’t she?
Well, I was thinking an awful lot about that for some months. I have been very much thinking that maybe I should just close it down and letting it go. She didn’t really chat me back.
The next 2 or 3 times after her start were my initiative, which made me think:
Perhaps she regretted having started communication?
Or didn’t feel comfortable, as said, by telling me that she just wanted to Facebook a bit and see how things were going but not really meet in person?
Or – or – or?
So I ruminated a lot about this particular meeting.
I tried to imagine if she really meant what she had said 3 months ago or if she was just being polite. Oh, I tried!
Look, it’s really just like what I did today:
I chat her up.
Bring up the topic of meeting again.
See how she reacts.
Evaluate and make my decision.
Stay or go. Break the deadwater.
The action made me feel better again, even if I didn’t hear from her for some time.
But then … there was a message.
She said clearly that she’d very much like to meet up.
And that was just an extra bonus.
The real win was that I made a decision again.
Just as with the income situation. Just as Char did with the disease-scare.
I made a decision and acted. The results weren’t really that important.
It’s really that simple.