118. This Is It

Spent today doing business before noon and writing after noon – which is as it should be.

Because soon my ability to plan anything with regularity will be turned upside down again, when Jay arrives. So I’d better spend time well until then.

But it’s okay  – that things are like this. I will just have to change what I need to change, when I need to change it.

I also feel I should do more in trying to read up on the whole birth-situation and prepare for that, but right now I am continually drawn to the more practical matters – like buying stuff for him and helping Char who is very tired much of the time.

But I will get back to reading up on that particular part of all of it – tonight. As if one can ever really prepare …

Anyway, what has become increasingly clear since my decision some days ago of really, really upping the ante in terms of focusing my mind is that … it works.

I am very attentive to what kind of email, Internet, work tasks, people, conversations – even what streams of thoughts – that I allow into my mind.

During the day.

During all of the day.

I’ve come to this way of, well being, with a few bumps. Like climbing a mountain and sliding downwards a bit some weeks, but the general direction is clear:

Towards more focus. Of my mind.

I try every moment to be aware of both my thoughts and actions and never just let them ‘run away’.

It’s a bit difficult to explain, but try to notice what you think about and do over an hour, when you want to be, say, working on a task:

  • checking Facebook
  • worrying about something with regard to your spouse
  • sex
  • checking mail
  • pursuing a solution to something online and getting distracted by Wikipedia
  • listening to music and getting absorbed in the lyrics
  • getting up and taking a break, eating something, talking about something trivial with a colleague – or just being alone and thinking about the weather, sports, the pain in your back, etc.

All in one Big Hodge-Podge.

Usually, as I think I’ve written about before, these cascades of thoughts are worst in the morning. But they are there during the day, of course. It’s very human.

Couple that with all kinds of distractions courtesy of other people and life in general and you’ve got the recipe for anything else than a mindful life, in a manner of speaking.

I want my life to be qualitative, measured, full with a sense of presence and of being in the present.

I know it sounds lame, but the alternative is a life with Hodge-Podge. The constant cascades of thoughts and distractions, in all combinations. The experience of everyday life, day after day, which makes us feel grey and dull inside and as if life moves too fast and just … passes us by.

So I’m going for attention to where I am and what I am thinking, on the same level as if I was reciting the bard. Or at least I try to.

Doesn’t matter if I succeed, as long as I try.

I’m not meditating, although it could be likened to a form of meditation or contemplation, I guess. I think I’ve tried to write something profound about this before.

But the short version is that I’m trying to go slow. All the time. In word, thought, and action. And really – Really – being present.

I want to be fully present on my own stage of life. Not half-passed out.

So maybe this is odd, but I swear – it has made me feel more alive than what I have felt in a long time.

Just thinking, talking and acting slower – much slower – than I usually do. This is how to do it.

This is how to get that quality – that presence – that mindfulness – call it what you want.

This is to get what I longed for, but didn’t know that I longed for until I felt really, really empty inside for months on end… And I have.

But it is over now. I will keep this way of being here in the world up this time. This time I will be here – with every part of my self.

And I think it will be a very good thing, especially for my son.