135. Helpful Preparations

Okay, Jay may come around any day now – and according to the doctors he is due 6 May. Which still means any day now. So what’s the status on how ready I feel for that?

It’s long overdue to make such a status, and I’ve been wanting to for some time. That much is certain. But I kept postponing. Not quite sure why.

One of the difficulties with your first child is that you don’t know the date, so you prepare and prepare and prepare. And eventually the gas goes out of the balloon and you just need to do your everyday-stuff again, focus on that. And more than a little you are also drawn into escapism, both to fill the waiting time and to, well, escape a bit.

From the fears and anxieties. About All Of This.

The latter aren’t so pronounced with me anymore, though. I honestly can say that what I’m worried about the most falls somewhere on this scale:

  • How hard will it be for Char to give birth, how hurt will she get?
  • How hard will it be for us caring for him – what if he gets ill and we can’t figure out what it is in time to get proper help?

Those are the two majors on the worry-scale and even they aren’t so clear-cut once I cut into them. As in: Once I think more closely about what I know and expect.

I expect Char will probably be a little hurt, but she has her breathing exercises, some good hospital staff I presume and a baby that’s so far been totally normal in every respect. Sure, she is ‘old’ (pushing 42) but the signs are good.

Also, from a, well, spiritual POV, I feel reassured. We tried to have a child for so long and failed and got all kinds of treatments and failed and gave up and … suddenly he was there anyway. I don’t have any proof, of course, but that development alone makes me feel that there is a special reason that he comes around now and that we are meant to be parents.

I don’t think it will be without problems, obviously, but I don’t think he will be lost at birth, or if he makes it that he will turn out to be handicapped or grow up to be a criminal. I think it’s probably going to fall somewhere in the middle, as it often does. Not everything perfect, not everything disaster. Totally normal. And that is fine with me.

Very fine indeed. Especially after waiting such a long time and going through so much to become parents.

As for the birth itself, I find myself wishing that we could train more the massage and breathing exercises we learned on a course in January.

Getting ready, or as ready as can be for the ordeal. But Char does it with, well, some regularity because, I suppose, she is getting distracted like me. Distracted by life, and by the wait – even if it is all very close now.

So the list is long – of things we can still do to get ready to make the birth as little as an ordeal as possible, to the degree we believe it is possible to control pain and anxiety of an even that is as natural and old and beyond human control as anything. To get ready for that, and for the many strange and extraordinary things we’re going to have to deal with as newly minted not-quite-so-spry parents.

But sometimes … like tonight I find myself thinking that it’s okay to have a little faith and not be obsessive about all that, and just relax and watch a movie.

If it all starts tonight, it’s probably more helpful to be well-rested than to have made an extra breathing exercise.

We’ll see.

Share