146. Indivisible

Thought for a brief moment of spending some more of the waiting time for our son with looking for new clients, since I know I’m going to have only about 3K USD left on my private credit account by the end of month.

Probably less since I will be spending on food, etc., and not working much in this period of becoming parents.

As I have decided: First 2 weeks no work.

The overall picture is worse, though: For my private account has an overall deficit of about -11K USD at this time out of -15K allowed. My company account will only make up for about 4K USD of this – and first in the middle of the month after my last client has paid, and once taxes and VAT and upcoming expenses for office rent etc. are taken out, too.

Before there are less funds to draw on from the company for private consumption, if need be.

I haven’t made any vows to stop looking for clients before Jay is born, but I know – I know – it would be counterproductive. I am not in any state of mind right now to take in new clients, and esp. not since I could pull the plug on them at any moment. Also, there’s this mood around our home that I’ve describing these past few days with us just trying to make the best of time, without becoming too absorbed or drained by any single task. And overall Just Staying Ready.

Lastly, Char is very tired still and I have to do much of the house work on my own.

So I’m not going to do anything Else.

I have been trying to practice faith these past months, in that Greater-Than-My-Self-Thing-Which-I-Feel-But-Can’t-Otherwise-Explain-Much-Less-Prove. I’ve tried to affirm that, I believe things are over all going to work out for the best, even if there are a few bumps along the way.

And that I believe in a larger, lighter world beyond this one, which makes it meaningful that sometimes things really do turn out for the worst here – because that is never final. There is always a kind of healing and salvation waiting in the wings. So my kind of hodge-podge religiosity combining feelings, some books I’ve read and a lot of reading up on Near-Death-Experience through the years.

But cosmology isn’t the point here, or naked belief.

It’s about intention.

I know I’m counterproductive if I intend to have more faith on the spiritual level and then with the other part of my mind go out on a frenzy to find new clients to be ready for me – after my self-imposed leave to help this family start up.

I have to act intelligently, of course, in all business and economy matters. I’m not going out to buy a Mercedes right now. Fine.

But aside from that: I’ll really try and make every intention in my mind go in the same direction.

I know – deep deep down – that it is wrong, to try to affirm faith in something as personal and powerful as a childbirth and that it will go well and then at the same time fret about money.

Either you affirm that overall all things will turn out well, and that you believe in this, no matter the bumps. Or you don’t.

Faith is indivisible.