147. The Gift

So it didn’t happen that we became a family this weekend, although we had made a number of guesses that we would. Guesses we almost believed in.

That’s fine. The term is May 6 and it will be May 13-14 at the latest, as the docs will start it up if nature doesn’t – due to Char’s age (41). So those are the bare facts, which can be counted.

Then there is her increasing feeling that something is going to happen – a pressure around her tummy and hips, menstrual-like pains, vague contractions and that sort.

Which might signal that something might happen soon – or maybe in some days’ time. No one knows.

No one can know.

All I know is that I have to go to Photographer Client’s office tomorrow and the day after if nothing else happens, and then make sure the phone is turned on.

For some reason the battery has decided to fail recently but I haven’t cared to buy a new one and transfer everything. I’ll just keep it plugged for all the time I’m able to do so.

I felt fine first in the day, doing some marketing for my live-talks, which will be booked in the autumn first. So that didn’t feel like straining things, too much.

But tomorrow’s appointments – woo boy – those I could do without. It’ll take me an hour to get home if something happens and the public transport system functions as it should.

On the other hand it might be good to have some menial webdesign-tasks to concentrate the mind. If I know Photographer Client well enough, he’ll have a lot in the works, usually more than we are able to do in those 7 hours. So I won’t have much time to think about Other Things. Which might be a good thing.

It’s sometimes a very disconcerting feeling, being upcoming first-time-parents – about all the stuff you can’t control.

You think you have it nailed, accepted and have made all these fancy affirmations that you are going to have faith and all … and then you find yourself feeling wound up, stiff as some metallic wire in a bundle.

That’s when you have to fall back on more than just affirmations. Something like routine. Have that list ready of stuff you know works to keep you focused, ready and detached all at the same time.

Currently the list circulates, for me, between relaxing/sleeping, doing house chores including prepping the kid-stuff, doing a little bit of non-stressful web-work, or doing some writing or correspondence. And back again.

This afternoon I found my old photos, which I haven’t prioritized sorting for years and years, and still won’t. But I got started on a rough sorting and putting them in binders, which is a step up from plastic bags in a box.

I also found some old descriptions of how to put together LEGO space toys that I had as a child about 35 years ago. I had forgotten I even had those, and was about to ditch them, when I remembered that maybe my parents still have some of that LEGO in the attic, and maybe Jay would like to play with it … at least when we are visiting.

So I kept them.

That was kind of a good feeling. I was close to going ‘oh my, it’s been 35 years!’ on that discovery, and lament the quick passing of time, automatically.

Fortunately I did not. I think it would be a beautiful thing if Jay was to play with some of that old LEGO, even if just for a few times. Even if he gets all sorts of new stuff that’ll probably interest him more.

It’s like past and present doing a kind of circle and touching each other. I know this is fairly normal – kids playing a bit with their parents’ toys, but still … I like the image of the circle of time meeting like this.

We’ll see how it meets and when.

I think when you allow yourself to really be with such moments and witness your child playing, maybe participating and taking time for it, then you can appreciate the gift that the passing of 35 years has given you.

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