I awoke with my head full of rampaging thoughts, about everything from work to sex to trivialities and I hated it. It’s not as if it happens so often anymore, but it is a reflection of a larger issue:
I still use woefully little of my mental capacity to actually drive towards the goals that mean something to me. I still use precious little willpower to keep my mind on track more of the time.
A lot of the time, and despite my attempts in previous months to detox, I still fall back into just ‘zoning out’, letting all sorts of junk into my mind. If it doesn’t happen by itself, it happens because I let it – i.e. by returning to random internet surfing and the like.
I don’t want to sound puritan or fanatic, but it is as banal a conclusion as the one about the sun coming up every day: Whatever you give your attention grows, and if you give your attention to nothing in particular, nothing in particular happens – say with improving your finances, friendships, etc
Becoming parents – in a little while – will only make this situation more dire. I will be tempted in the extreme to zone out and sometimes I will have to, just to stay afloat.
But I can’t allow this to go on at least without improving. Then you are allowed to call me a monk.
So yeah, even if it is insane and all that. I hereby take a 30 day challenge, not to use the Internet for anything else than that which is vital, such as communicating with clients or family. Or if it is to do with something specific that furthers my goals, like writing more or drawing.
I can do that, even though I am to become a parent, and have business obligations, etc. In fact, with so little less spare time coming up, that might be the only sane thing to do with regard to said spare time: Impose martial law on what I use it for.
And if I make it through 30 days and it doesn’t work, it’s only been … 30 days. On the other hand, if I make it, there will be major – beneficial – changes, I believe. At last I will be fully committed to moving towards all my goals, in mind and deed.
So we will see if I can do more than just try to detox and cleanse my mind for limited periods, but actually do and change something that’s even deeper … the program in my mind that wants to tox it all up again.