This post is written Thursday 18 about a night we will always remember: Jay was born after 12-ish hours of labor, medically induced because Char is 41 and the doctors say it will lessen risk of anything wrong not to go past her term more than one week.
Well, they were wrong.
Or at least, after the first 10 hours since a midwife broke her water everything was fine, even with medication helping the contractions along. Then the guards changed in the hospital, contractions became weaker, Char becoming weaker, and everybody becoming more stressed. And in the end it was a cesarean.
But Jay was healthy and fine, even if he might not have been, had he been allowed to be stuck for too much longer. It was close. We could see him.
But then everything … changed. He didn’t move. He fell back a little, then more.
There are many ways to explain this, medically, spiritually, psychologically …
But suffice to say, it was shattering for Char and me to end up with her on the op table, and a screaming Jay, minutes later in her arms, which she couldn’t move due to anesthesia and all our imaginations about a beautiful birth changed into something ugly.
It will take time, but we have to change this story. Without neglecting what happened, mistakes, wrong choices in retrospect or just ‘plain unfair bad luck’ (would it have gone differently if a new midwife had not come in to relieve the one who had followed us all day, at a critical junction?).
We have to change the story, so it becomes about something beautiful again – and that means acknowledging that we need it to be about more than the joy of our new son. Also acceptance and happiness about the way he came to us, even if you can always say that does not matter as much as the fact that he came.
We have to change the story about the brutal birth of Jay, because we need stories to be beautiful and about more than what came out of it – Jay. We need them for our sake to be more than just the goal. We need them to be about the entire journey, too. But the journey is disjointed. Perfect sailing, then storm and drowning and then reaching the island after all does not match.
Something needs to tie it together, in a new way. Something …
But it takes time to find that something. As it should.
Fortunately, we can count on the best help to find a new story about the brutal journey to becoming parents.
And as we get to know Jay well, it will all become clearer.