178. How I Sabotage Myself From Earning Money

Today I was supposed for the first time to go back to my own office space and rake in more customers to my web consultant business. I was supposed to start, after 3 weeks of leave due to the birth of Jay, to plug the whole in my credit account.

But instead I went to my office space and did a lot of thinking. Sure, I made an appointment with one customer for a new website and I cleaned up some messes for other, existing customers. But overall I did nothing to further the cause of earning a buck.

At least not right now.

Because today I wrote the previous two posts in my Passionate Income Project (as it is now dubbed – in honor of the SEO-god). If you have read them, you know I already feel I’ve gained much ground in trying to analyze why the hell I haven’t made more money until now, and in particularly in the form of that promised land: passive income.

Earning royalties from assets. Through a system you control.

I’m not going to reiterate the conclusions here, but instead I want to add another layer to my exploration of what I can do to earn 8000 USD/month at least, as passive income, at some point in the future. No deadline. No limits on investment of time from my side.

Yeah, I figured I’d better repeat the number, otherwise it won’t work. I will not reach my goals if I feel timid about them. I have a capacity for self-sabotage due to reasons I don’t quite understand, so that’s why I do the number when I can, and observe how I react.

My current reaction was something like: ‘This number is too high – you are not entitled to earn that much money, while others starve’.

And so we have a perfect example of an answer to the last question in my list of research questions. We have a good case of a bad case of mindset.

Here is the question in case you forgot:

Why have I not created any true passive income so far? What have been the blocks and how can I overcome them this time, in this case?

I wrote persistence and consistency in the last post. It is true.

For example, my first attempts at creating passive income (although I didn’t know at the time it was called that) was writing a novel. I tried that 5 or 6 times (I lost count) over a period of more than 20 years (I lost count). But ultimately I was never able to finish. I gave up. And so … no persistence.

I’m not sure the mindset that I am not entitled to earning much money because that ‘takes away something from someone else’ is the cause of my failing with novels. I think it had more to do with novels not being the right medium for my creative expression. They are simply to long and too complicated to put together for me. Not a match for my current skills.

I am able to write short stories and short novels up to about 100 pages and do a 2 hour live-talk storytelling sessions and an even longer role-playing sessions that I lead. So I am able to finish products – only shorter and less complicated than a full novel, which would be several hundreds of pages.

So … that leaves us with the mindset.

I fear it is not the only mindset-problem I have in this department. I gave some examples in the last post of other ways I seem to sabotage myself whenever I try to earn more money, actively or passively (by creating assets).

So not the only mindset-block but a major one. And obviously something lying underneath all of this …

If this ‘devil in the deep’ can’t be caught and brought to the surface and pacified or changed then … everything I do on the surface to earn more, in more joyous ways, will be imperiled. Simple as that.

As you may have guessed there is a major logical flaw in the mindset which is apparent to me, too – yet – gruesomely – it seems impervious to change, even if I know it has to be changed. It is this:

‘If I am better off earning money in a joyous way, others who are less fortunate will suffer more. So since I am a good guy and don’t want others to suffer more, I will keep myself down’.

There, I can even spell it out. But it seems impervious to change. I can stare at it for days know it has to be changed and yet feeling unable to.

Where did I get this from?

I have my suspicions, but I don’t know much they are warranted.

I suspect part of it is being affected as a child by my mum who was always very much like this – not able to take much joy in the success of others, suffering for a long time through a series of more-or-less tolerable secretary jobs. But that would be a very trivial, and not very fair, way to find causality.

There is also, at least in our society, a sense in the media discourse that you are not entitled to have too much more than others. It is quite schizo, since there is a lot going on behind the scenes here, as in every society, of big businessmen running things, and young people want to be like them and politicians facilitate their power by granting them all sorts of rights and exceptions, especially on taxes.

So that, too, is a bit vague and doesn’t really explain why I took that bad mindset so much in and why it still spooks me.

I think I will have to drop any kind of analysis, at least for now, of its origins. It is not possible. I will have to just take full responsibility for it myself:

I have a limiting mindset when it comes to finances, to earning more, to earning more in more joyous ways than my peers. I feel this takes something away from others and therefore, since I don’t want to hurt others, I keep myself down.

As irrational and crazy as that is, (I could have saved a million children in Africa now if I had allowed myself to become a millionaire and thus being able to donate more to charity), that is the ugly truth. I am ashamed of it but not more rattled than I know I have to deal with it.

I am especially ashamed that I can’t just make the mindset – the deep inner feeling – go away by making it explicit. Others will comment and say: ‘Just change your mind’ or ‘You can help others more by becoming rich’ or ‘what a pathetic wanker you are, thinking like this’. But neither goodwill nor trolling will help me. I have to work with this mindset myself and change it.

And I have to accept it for now and try to just be with it and understand it. I can’t do a 180 on it, this moment. Maybe in a month or two due to dedicated analysis, affirmation, prayer and such – and, of course, affirmative action.

So I will have to have a plan for that. How to go about it. Change the foundation – bring the beast to the surface. Otherwise nothing else, I fear, will change. Maybe this is not the only thing that needs to be changed in me, but it is a major thing. So there.

I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.

I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.

I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see – deep deep down – that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.

I have saved no one, not even myself.

If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.

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