– of both light and darkness?
I am talking about Jay’s birth, of course.
Everything was going so well, we were so full of hope – and then: operating table, cesarean, trauma.
We have cried a lot about that, but fortunately we are doing well overall. And we are more and more able to take joy in the important things – that Jay did well and does well, even if the birth wasn’t what we had hoped or expected.
I seem to recall I wrote a lot about having faith before the birth. Well, I’m sure I did.
My faith is based in a kind of intuition plus imagined experience plus shared experience. I can only imagine that something helps me when I pray or that my intuition is true. I can only imagine that what I experience as help is true. I cannot say it for sure. But if it works, it works.
Then there is the experience of others, which I take to heart – particularly people who have had a near-death experience. If you haven’t read up on those, do that on Iands.org. It is a scientific organisation dedicated to exploring the phenomenon. However, if you are resistant to what this experience might mean for how reality works, then you can probably read all the website and not change your mind. It doesn’t mean you have to believe in Santa Claus, accepting the reality of NDEs, but if you believe it means that you will be resistant.
So this might only make sense to you if you are not (too) resistant to the perspective that there might be a larger, more coherent, more meaningful, more helpful reality than the physical. Which seems to be all about incoherence, danger and people dying of strange and terrible things.
I prayed a lot, in my own way, before the birth and during the birth. But I did it, yes, in my own way. I said to That Higher Power Or Whatever It Is that ‘I trust you’. In order to open for the help I believed It would give me. Instead of asking for specific outcomes.
That is, scientifically speaking, a bad way to go about it, because you can construe almost anything as the right outcome with enough torturous theological explanations.
However, I just need the practical version: If I feel relieved or helped than that is enough.
For along time I suffered in psychiatric hospital (2005-6) and could definitely not see the meaning of it or that there was any help.
Then I felt more and more helped to heal, as I prayed for that, and I eventually healed. And now I feel that my experiences there have become integral to forming me: I have become so much more stronger and more capable of helping others, at least with anxiety and stress.
So that’s the practical version of meaning for me. And it is actually an advantage that it doesn’t need to be proved – that ‘God’ decided this or did that. It just needs to work.
However, I am the one who needs the story to be about something larger. I want that. I don’t need it to be just luck or my subconscious mind. I feel drawn to the story of a larger reality such as the one near-death-experiencers say they have experienced – Big Lights and all.
So does that mean I can say that I am now relieved after the birth-experience, able to feel we are helped to heal and even to see a meaning in what happened?
No. Not yet.
I can only keep affirming what I did before – that I have faith that we will be helped to heal and to find meaning, our meaning, in what happened.
And then report the results as they come in.
If you think about it, that is not such a bad deal when it comes to faith.
And it certainly is a test of faith.
But I suppose that is good and right. How else can we experience faith if it is not tested?
P.S. I wrote this the day before Jay’s birth
I want to focus on our story now and the ways we try to have faith that this, for us, very new and demanding situation – like so many others – ultimately will have some kind of good outcome. Meaning we can feel. Benefit we can use. The experience of help from unexpected sides. Deeper insights revealed. All of the power and beauty of life which is just beneath the surface of seemingly random and dangerous currents.
It still holds true, perhaps more than ever now.