It was a silly argument, but seemed important enough to get quite heated, while we were at it. In essence, I was afraid she was accusing me of not earning enough money. I felt she was not appreciating I had stayed at home and kept a low profile otherwise in business, to support the family shortly before and in the weeks after Jay’s birth.
Such a choice has a price. And it is especially visible when you have credit card debt of around 11000 USD with a 14.5 interest per year. Along with a student loan that seems to never go away.
So when you don’t make (much) money for nearly a month that kind of choice is very visible.
In reality we were in agreement, both as regards the choice and that I had to strike back now that the family is more settled and work my ass off during summer to catch up (sleep be damned).
So I don’t know why I did not trust her to agree with that. Perhaps it’s because I have been so conflicted about it myself. I wanted to both make money, make dents in my debt AND be there for the family – esp. after that birth which was anything but sweet and delightful.
But you can’t have it both ways, and when that is the case you have to trust the other, after being very clear, of course, about what you expect. You have to be clear about expectations and then let go.
And furthermore you have to accept fully the price of your choice, yourself. Not project your insecurity.
Especially no projection on spouses. That’s the worst kind.
But I wavered for a moment and cancelled a cinema-trip, because NOW I had to save. An hour later I called my friend, ES, and said we were going anyway.
I had overreacted. I should save on big business expenses, like transport and the new phone I’ve been wanted to buy for over a year, and not cinema-tickets to recharge my soul. That is a stupid, stupid way to save.
And an over-reaction.
But it seems like a lot of things were an overreaction today. Maybe because I still get a little less sleep than I use, too, yes – but the underlying insecurity that brought about the argument … that is mine.
I own that insecurity.
But now I will keep it in its place and start working to earn that money and get back in the track.
I could’ve sent out quite a few customer pitches in the hours I spent arguing with Char, about whether or not she distrusted my ability to make sound financial choices and/or family choices.
Sometimes, I guess, you gotta clear the air, inside and out. But not every day. So let this be a single day with that and then on wards to practical action to change my financial situation for the better.
Jay went on to sleep 7 hours in a row tonight. Perhaps he was tired of our argument. Or perhaps he just agrees and wants to lend his support.
Either way I know what I have to do.