So an old friend, CS, came by yesterday evening, out of the blue as she is wont to. She hasn’t visited in over a year.
She wanted to see Jay and was very nice and had brought gifts and fodder for the evening. Ultimately she hadn’t brought much of herself. I felt, as usual, more like a connection in a business network she wanted to ensure she still had access to than I felt like getting a visit from an old friend.
But it was a long time since we were truly friends, if ever, and years have passed without us seeing each other, so this is not all that strange. And we have drifted apart in other ways – lifestyle, values, etc.
Only … I clung on to that relation for long, for all kinds of reasons, good and bad, many of them which I still do not understand entirely. What was I hoping for or expecting?
She is an interesting and remarkable person, who saves children in Africa, so perhaps – years after our high school friendship, I was expecting to bask a bit in her glory?
But that is not friendship either, that is dependency and poor excuses for doing things that look like friendship.
And judging from her infrequent visits, and contact in general, whatever she feels about me is not much more substantial.
She will be welcome if she decides to drop by again, even in a year or two. But I won’t look her up in the meantime if nothing else happens.
Sometimes you have to make some categorical decisions about friendships, or what was like that but now only seems like. Sometimes you have to do that and then face the truth about what is real between you and another person now. Not what you hope for. Doesn’t matter if it’s guy or girl, friendship or romantic relation, colleague or some other relation of substance.
You have to evaluate it, have to see what’s there and decide, if it’s not there, what you are willing to invest to maybe upgrade the relation to that level you want.
Despite the inherent sadness of the occasion it feels good to finally, truly having made a decision.