195. From Now On

I have to strike a balance.

Giving entirely up on my strong drive to earn money in better and more enjoyable ways, won’t work.

But I need not to obsess too much about it and let that mission distract me from appreciating everything else in life. It is such an old trap and I don’t – DON’T – want to fall for it again.

Only human, yes. No shame in being distracted. But I’m old enough now to recognize a dangerous development.

For example, I work only 14 hours per week, maybe 20 sometimes, for my Difficult Photographer Client, but I use at least 50 percent more time thinking about him, about all the things that annoy me with this particular, but relatively lucrative, gig.

That won’t do.

So I will use this blog especially to help myself balance the scales more. I have to feel more abundance in life first, before I can create it on the job front. That means if I fail on that front I have not thrown out the things I do have, or rather: My ability to appreciate them!

On the other hand, I need to be more proactive in changing the things I don’t like – such as finding new customers, more customers, more ways to make money, which are more enjoyable. It is the TRUTH that I badly want these things and that I will be unhappy without them.

A side quest is to allow myself to find these things and not feel ashamed about receiving them – and this is an inner block I’ve long suspected:

That it is difficult for me to receive more, because I always think I am a bad person for it in some way. Others have less than I. Why do I deserve to make 5K USD per month when half the world is starving.

That kind of thinking. I’ve written about it before.

And the conclusion is the same as always: I have to burn it into my mind …

I am NOT making the world a better place for the people who have less than I by denying myself more. If I earned a 100 times more money, for example, I could and would give more to charity.

Vice versa:

I have to burn it into my mind that if I refuse to earn more, I am effectively letting more people starve. Simple as that. It is NOT a zero-sum game.

So nasty little side quest there, but one, as said, I’ve suspected for long I have to take on. Even if I am so ashamed of admitting that it is there.

I am so ashamed of admitting that this part of my mind exists, this little irrational kid that thinks that if he makes himself worse of, everybody else will be happier with him, that he will get rewarded somehow.

I’m ashamed, but at least clear on it.

So side quests, more appreciation, admit I cannot give up the hope of improving my happiness esp. with regard to earning money. Those are the key words – the headlines.

I feel tired and worn, again. I don’t know if I have the strength to carry this out. But I know I can at least chronicle it, share my experiences, and my insistence on making the best of it all, because that is what life is all about. Anything else leads to Camus and ‘the only question is whether or not to commit suicide’.

Yes, melodramatic, but isn’t life sometimes? I mean, really – when you are on the verge of some kind of depressive state, as I feel I am, for the first time in years, then you HAVE to sit down and realize first and foremost: Life Is Not Meant To Be This Way.

Despite all the cliches … Life is meant to be good. No matter if you believe in God or Nature or nothing.

Life is meant to be good, despite the obvious times when we have to accept is is not.

Why is it meant to be that way? Because we choose it, dammit.

We choose what life is meant to be.

If we choose life is meant to be a bleak place then it becomes that.

Age old cliche, but still true.

So I choose.