196. Through the Crap

Writing this Saturday is interesting, because Monday could be crap. As usual. With Big Photographer Client and all his Mess.

However, after feeling like crap Saturday I’ve made a few good decisions. Here they are:

Replacing the 1500 USD per month I earn from Big Photographer Client is of paramount importance. So I will go find a replacement. Nothing is more important.

As in …

  • Nothing yada on the Internet is more important, esp. not stupid unimportant videos. (And yes, my ‘Internet detox vow’ went down the drain once Jay was born … so there.)
  • Nothing as regards my creative frustrations is more important to solve.
  • Or as regards my relationship. I just do what I need to do here – to keep things going. Also with baby Jay.

I can’t solve this by quitting the Big Client because I have no alternatives except a rotating bunch of smaller clients.

I don’t want to take another loan.

I can’t build my vaunted asset that generates income quickly enough to replace Big Client before I go crazy.

So those options are non-options.

Ergo I have to go full throttle in finding that replacement.

Could be 4 less lucrative customers, sure, as long as the connection is fairly regular.

Could be a ‘regular job, sure, as long as it is better.

I’m accepting that it may be – it just may be – impossible for me with my mindset and situation to ever find something regular income-wise that is much better or better at all.

Not likely, I grant you, but actually plausible. I have fucked up so many times that there is no guarantee I will improve all of a sudden. I grant ye that.

What I DON’T accept is that there are NO better customers out there.

I don’t.

Because there are. Some of them are mine, too, now – they just don’t pay as much.

(I know it from Char’s job, too. It was crap before, then she shifted and it got better. Crappy boss, by the way. Seems familiar.)

I also don’t accept that closeted part of me that tells me I’m not worthy of making more money, however big or small it is. I don’t accept at ALL.

I don’t know how to deal with that yet, except in the usual ways – therapy, reflection and affirmation and hard work.

But I know how to deal with Big Client. He is out.

So ALL my spare time that is not about The Necessary Things, like walking with baby carriages at 3 AM so spouse can sleep – they are Not Important.

Only making that shift.

That felt good to decide. To clear my priorities once and for all on this.

Now I just have to execute. But perhaps half the battle is won by coming to a clear decision first.

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