200. Looking Back (ii)

Okay, time to sum up where I’ve been for the last 100 days and where I want to go for the next.

Deep realizations first

In short: I’ve realized – now more than ever – that I want to be free of any drive to be famous, rich – to have ‘position’.

Drivers inside for fame, money and position are, actually, chains – not drivers. That much is clear to me. A very important realization. I’d like to elaborate on this, but it is just so … big right now. I have to wrap my head around it and try some other day.

I’ll put it first here, though. So I don’t forget. It is too important to ever forget, really. (And I do it all the time … )

Learning to care for Jay

We had a son recently, in case you didn’t notice – and his mum is 42. The doctors said we couldn’t. We tried for 7 years. We gave up. And then he came anyway. It’s crazy and crazy hard. But it is also a source of so much joy, as I think any parent can tell you.

Right now there is not so much to say about that, except that it IS a turning point and the experience is with me every day, even when I am not at home (but still thinking about it).

I think overall we have done well, and we are learning every day to do better. Also in terms of getting over the birth ‘scars’, although there is still some way to go on that, I feel. Perhaps we can only wait and let time do that work …

Earning as an independent webdesigner

Replacing the 1500 USD per month I regularly earn from A Big Client is of paramount importance right now, because I am really fed up with said client. So I will go find a replacement. Nothing is more important in that regard.

So I try to find more customers and grow my network for leads. I also try to update my how-to WordPress blog as much as possible. Some leads and customers have begun to trickle in via Google.

This summer I’ll do a major blog-post series on how to set up a webshop, in all details. And this fall I’ll do a major WordPress course per email. All free. All designed to give me leads, who turn into customers.

I have to find a way, and a motivation, to work even harder and do some premium courses that are paid, though, if I don’t want to keep on selling my time forever. That is still something I am unsure about how and when to do, but perhaps the horizon will be clearer in a few months’ time. I hope so.

Finding time for drawing

I almost quit it – my streak of drawing regularly, and my wherewithal to keep it up. But I will. Just on my own little hand-penciled  series. For my soul’s sake and for nothing else.

So sad fact: I almost gave up on drawing recently (again) – although I love it. But … too little time, etc. etc.

But I have decided I am going to continue to draw, anyway. It’s a fight, but a good one.

Finding Out What the Hell I Want To Write

I started strong with a new short novel-series but got bogged down in editing and birth-stuff. Now I’m not so sure I want to continue this anyway.

This writing-stuff that I both want and don’t want and never seem to have the discipline for is a pain and a mystery which I will have to look into and come out of.

Edit 2 July: I’m going to ice the short novel series for now. It has all the right content, but for some reason my heart is not in it anymore, and that has to be what makes the decision right to put it in the drawer. Until my heart maybe comes back to this.

I had a brief surge of ideas that maybe I could start an extra income stream, more passionate income, with writing again – fiction. And maybe I will. But if the heart says no it’s not going to be with this story, not at this time anyway.

I’d rather focus on my historical live-talks, I feel. They contain, after all, a lot of storytelling, too, just in another medium. And they earn good bucks – from time to time.

Apropos …

My Passionate Income Project

My webdesign business is certainly one step up on the ladder if we talk about doing something I am passionate about, although ‘passion’ is not the right word. It is just … better. I get to use more of my skills, meet more people to help.

More often than not, for my own life at least, I’ve found that I need to balance passion, purpose and profit – not try to force it into one place or activity. One thing I do is what I am most passionate about, work-wise. Another contains the most purpose. Another the most profit. Each contain a little bit of the other, but they are separate.

I want them to be more integrated, though. Much more. That feeling is as strong as ever.

So I am searching very intensely these days to define and find and develop more ‘passionate income sources’. So far results are inconclusive and that frustrates me. But I have to keep searching.

Friendships – and keeping them alive

I have to be more vigilant here, although I don’t feel an immediate threat to my long-term friendships. But I sure don’t give them a lot of attention due to family and work.

So flag raised there, but what steps to take and what to prioritize less in order to prioritize this more?

Relationship – and keeping it alive

Same with the relationship to Char. We are doing good, but there’s not much time for us – just us. So far it has not been a problem, but I know I have to give that more attention, too.

*

So all in all this is a very inconclusive Looking Back – which lots of ‘loose threads’. It is, really, more of a slightly anxious look forward, about what is to come and thinking about where I have to go.

I have to admit that. It is … inconclusive.

But at least it can serve as a map for me. I have written up here a list of what is ‘inconclusive’ and even if it sometimes feels daunting to look at, at least it gives me a sense of overview. And that I will find my way.

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