I thought about New Year’s Resolutions, but could only come up with one meaningful: To fight fear.
I thought it would help me to think ‘it is easier earning a small amount than a bigger amount’ when starting my company. Because those first few thousands of dollars would be hard, and more dollars would be even harder. But it made me feel depressed and demotivated to think of earning only 3000 dollars a month. However, I have found out that if I imagine a goal of 6000 dollars a month I feel *much* more motivated, – although I know with my rationality that it will be twice as hard. To a certain level, the reward is more important than costs of having to work harder. The level of 3000 also reminded me too much of all the time I have been struggling to achieve just that – survival – level of income per month. Perhaps that is the real answer to why I am motivated to leave it behind – however much I have to fight for it.
If you’ve seen any good boxing movies you know that they are not about winning in the ring. They never were. They are about winning over yourself. As you get older, you discover those are the victories you never get too old to have.
Life is insanely long and big and fantastic. But only if you take the time to think about it that needs to be taken. Otherwise you might as well say: ‘I can’t believe I just skipped thinking about 30 years’.
But perhaps one should not always look for definitions and conceptual shelves for all things, including meaning and purpose? Well, obviously I have a need to do just that, to some degree, and in order to understand myself and others better. And to find meaning and purpose, for which I yearn.
Well, I can tell you what is a waste: Reading about Steve Jobs’ success (until he died) or desperately looking for a new project which will give you success quicker, instead of finishing the one you are at.
I don’t get bothered so much that when I discuss, say, the actual prevalence of racism with my highly educated friends, but without basis. I do get bothered when some of my immediate family lapse into more or less thinly veiled racist remarks, without basis. The difference is that I agree with my highly educated friends most of the time – and especially about immigration politics.
It is remarkable that – aside from a purposeful, hopeful vision of how to contribute to the world – the simple act of telling a moving story makes me feel alive again. No veggies or weight-lifting required.
I believe life has deep meaning, especially because it is a shadow and light dance, each contrasting the other. But I also long for something more permanent and unmovable to stand on, just for a while. Something you can return to, when you tire of the dance. It is Christmas Day soon and that reminds me not to give up hope that such a foundation exists, beneath all of it. Beneath that which is below the surface, and on the other side of the backside. And perhaps in front of it, as well.
If the time is right, then the experience of sorrow and grief can be used to turn our relative helplessness in the face of death and dying and pain and loss around. We can use the experience do some good elsewhere, whatever elsewhere is.
Peace is first and foremost an Inner Experience, an Inner Journey. So outside events can be pretty screwy and it is still possible to create inner peace, in principle, as long as the focus is on it and not primarily on controlling outside events.
Today, I had the feeling that our unborn son was now ‘in our lives’ – more than before. Like he was more real. Already living with us in a sense. It could ‘just be psychological’. We’re halfway. We’re getting more and more used to the thought of having a son. Whatever the case it was a good feeling. It doesn’t need further explanation of its foundations.
In spite of Char’s job at a charity and my intention to create a business with a social purpose, we are both so deeply occupied with our day-to-day-routines that we rarely talk about this kind of Big Hope that a charity or social business actually stands for. What it looks like, what it feels like. No wonder that we sometimes feel like even the most meaningful work in the world doesn’t matter any more. Purpose has to be felt. And feelings have to be kindled, like a hearth that need attention in order to continue giving off heat.
Sometimes it’s good to have your prejudices about people – and who they are – turned a little upside down.