25. Number Games

I thought it would help me to think ‘it is easier earning a small amount than a bigger amount’ when starting my company. Because those first few thousands of dollars would be hard, and more dollars would be even harder. But it made me feel depressed and demotivated to think of earning only 3000 dollars a month. However, I have found out that if I imagine a goal of 6000 dollars a month I feel *much* more motivated, – although I know with my rationality that it will be twice as hard. To a certain level, the reward is more important than costs of having to work harder. The level of 3000 also reminded me too much of all the time I have been struggling to achieve just that – survival – level of income per month. Perhaps that is the real answer to why I am motivated to leave it behind – however much I have to fight for it.

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20. A Christmas Upgrade

I don’t get bothered so much that when I discuss, say, the actual prevalence of racism with my highly educated friends, but without basis. I do get bothered when some of my immediate family lapse into more or less thinly veiled racist remarks, without basis. The difference is that I agree with my highly educated friends most of the time – and especially about immigration politics.

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18. Behind the Backside

I believe life has deep meaning, especially because it is a shadow and light dance, each contrasting the other. But I also long for something more permanent and unmovable to stand on, just for a while. Something you can return to, when you tire of the dance. It is Christmas Day soon and that reminds me not to give up hope that such a foundation exists, beneath all of it. Beneath that which is below the surface, and on the other side of the backside. And perhaps in front of it, as well.

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15. No Further Explanation Needed

Today, I had the feeling that our unborn son was now ‘in our lives’ – more than before. Like he was more real. Already living with us in a sense. It could ‘just be psychological’. We’re halfway. We’re getting more and more used to the thought of having a son. Whatever the case it was a good feeling. It doesn’t need further explanation of its foundations.

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14. A Truly New Hope

In spite of Char’s job at a charity and my intention to create a business with a social purpose, we are both so deeply occupied with our day-to-day-routines that we rarely talk about this kind of Big Hope that a charity or social business actually stands for. What it looks like, what it feels like. No wonder that we sometimes feel like even the most meaningful work in the world doesn’t matter any more. Purpose has to be felt. And feelings have to be kindled, like a hearth that need attention in order to continue giving off heat.

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