I find that it comforts me, though - and excites me, too. To just think of my particular dreams like this, to take them seriously. Maybe that they even point to something More: Like something 'visionary ... ' Or some reflection of a Greater Reality ... I mean, why not? People have been wondering about this for ages, and taking it seriously. Especially people not as civilized as us. So why not Dream of More?
That's what a friend's letter feels like, no matter how it is written. It has more than one dimension in it, and each and every one of them feels like a special surprise party that your friend had arranged just for you.
"She didn't try to repair it. She didn't even pretend she could. She knew that even if she had been able to communicate - through angels - or whatever with her sister in the other dimension, the sister would be lost, disconnected, from her life. Always. It would at the very least be like having a sister living across the Atlantic. You could only Skype, but never visit. She was gone. And in her place was the doubt about where she had gone. If anywhere. If there was anything left but the ghostly space in the heart. But the space could be owned. If she made the choice. It could be inhabited. So the girl knew the only way to live with it was to carry it with her: The space."
More often than not, my ideal customer has already started doing some website-stuff themselves. They recognizing the DIY-need, yes, which goes with limited funds and a small bootstrap business. But they are also not afraid to tackle with it. And skeptical enough to avoid throwing hard-earned money away on any sharks who want to sell them expensive and bad solutions. So they actually take the time to google and look at reviews and think of themselves. They have some faith in their own authority. What's important here is that they have drive and some courage, but also a definite need for help to take the next step, and a realistic view of where their own capacity ends and mine begins. These are often the best customers.
The point is that my future just got more solid, more real, with all its ups and downs. Because I decided to chronicle it. Is that a good thing? For me, personally? I'm not sure. But it feels ... like it's going to be more meaningful simply because I weave it into some artifact for you to see after I am gone. Weave with my words ... After all, isn't that what we all long for, to be part of a story that has meaning?
For me certain weathers carry memories ... some are half-misted, some are just momentary eddies in my consciousness. But weather is a feeling sometimes. And so it was today, although I am not sure what it was I remembered or felt, only that it was special. Perhaps some day in high school when I was first in love, or had met an important friend. I can't remember. But I felt something special nonetheless. On a day where everything else felt non-special.
So today I spent a lot of time marketing my new company, and nothing really happened except that I spend a lot of time. And began to doubt that I would ever make it. I guess the only sane response to such feelings is to grit your teeth.
Don't make future goals more important than they actually are.. Sure you have to think about the future and important goals and all that, and sometimes at the expense of happiness in the present. But when does the balance tip? When is it too much? When have you become a hostage of the future?
This blog is what I've been wanting to do. Because there is so much more to share. I don't think I would have done it as CEO of that other company. Then I would have been counting beans now. Not thinking about so many other things to share. So maybe I am in the right place, and those phases of life (finish education, get career, start family) are just illusions. At least insofar as I think of myself having 'failed' to complete a couple of them 10 and 20 years ago.
I know deep inside I made it through the psychiatric ward to new life because I had something to fight for. I think part of the explanation why a friend of mine did not make it was that he had little to fight for, except his own life.
The desire, ability and will to communicate regularly - is a sine qua non in any friendship. However, you decide how much it means to you, vis-a-vis other factors.
There IS a very real, very live, very physical way of keeping thoughts around, for a good long time, after you have let them out. I'm talking about keeping thoughts on the Internet, of course. Think about the totality of whatever you let out on the Internet, through a WHOLE life. Or just ... 20 years. 30 years. Sure, the Net will be different when you and I get older, but it will be there - trust me. It will be there in some new incarnation. And stuff we left on it years ago ... it WILL be around. And somebody WILL find it. And WILL be affected. So what did you leave around?
Don't focus on what's not left. Appreciate what is left. Don't forget all that you have had. Appreciate what you have had. Don't obsess about how many years you think you may have left. Forget about it. You can never know. That's what I tell myself is the best. Now I have to train my mind to be good at it.
There is simple 'maintenance-work' of body and spirit - any rejuvenating activity. Only in recent years have I come to appreciate to do rejuv every day, whether meditating or reading a book. And it's not just because I'm getting older. I believe it's the hard-earned experience of what happens if I neglect it.