177. Minor Questions About Why

I wasn't able to choose, and this is painful to admit. I have tried everything from writing novels to creating niche information businesses online and I have given up before going very far, or finishing products. I haven't been consistent and persistent, and that is the truth. I wanted the quick fix. Or I got frustrated when I didn't get it, and I suddenly felt that either I didn't earn fast enough, or I didn't do something that quite gelled with my best passion. And I needed the latter, because I usually worked shitty jobs. So the passion had to be the highest, not just 'okay' level like my current webdesign business is. The problem is still there, then, but it has been limited somewhat by graduating to a way of living that is better than doing social care work for disabled persons. Which was meaningful, yes, but too boring, too hard, and too poorly paid to be a good option. I'll tell you the story of why I ended up doing this with a university degree some other time. But that is what happened. Lastly, I would say marketing. I haven't been good at marketing myself whenever I have been at least a little consistent for periods in my choice of income project. But fair enough. These are some hard insights and I'm not sure I won't get impatient again. I'm not sure at all. But now I am sure I have the insights. And that is worth a lot.

176. Immediately

I may not get what I want in terms of money, but I will get answers. I have to. I can't just let all those rivers carry me away anymore - to a destination I don't decide. I decide one thing and that is that I WILL have answers. For my sake. For my family's sake. I will fight for myself and my happiness. I will. And at the very least I will get knowledge. And in that decision alone, lies hope.

175. The Power of the Past

Your power today stems from the past, but you have to look for it and appreciate it. Don't just use the past as a hiding place or some place to feel perversely bitter about. Use it to remind yourself of the power that you do have. It's not about hair-loss, a bigger belly or a divorce or a failed business or the number on your birth certificate. It's about something much more important and powerful: What you now know about life that you can and will use to make a positive difference today and in the future. Wisdom. What's yours?

174. What I Learned From Throwing Out Old Letters

The past stuff doesn't give you anything in the present. You have learned those lessons, moved on. You no longer care about certain topics. And good for that. In what ways does this relate to existing relationships? I think it is relevant if your 'friendship' exists mostly because of some intense experiences you have had in the past: Some stuff that happened in the past, which may have been good and all but which is no longer relevant. And nothing new has taken its place. No new common interests, shared values, mutual projects or the like. I've had friendships like that, where we kept seeing each other for years - not even realizing how much we had drifted apart on all accounts. But we kept seeing each other, going to the movies together, sending out birthday invites etc. Why? Because ending a friendship more or less formally - or informally by letting contact wind down ... that is a hard thing to do. In many ways there is probably more taboo around this than ending a romantic relationship.

169. Not All

They've been droning all morning in the radio about Manchester. The scores of children elsewhere in the world who were killed last week in similar bombings barely gets a notice ... We should think very, very carefully about how much news junk we let into our minds - especially if we get our news from the 24 hour channels that show endless reruns. It affects us, more than we know. It is NOT an objective view of the world. And now I will say a prayer for the poor families of Manchester. I feel now more than ever how horrible it could be to lose a child and I hope I will never experience it. But I need to remember that despite the horror this is just the news going bananas, zooming in on the most scary thing right now. It is not all. Whatever the exact percentage, the majority of news from the old media (papers, TV, radio) IS concerned with something negative, one way or the other. And it is concerned with US. 110 per cent. Not very much everybody else. And these stories from the seemingly 'objective news media' subtly affect your mind. They make you by default have a more negative outlook on the world and feel that it is more dangerous - 'closer to home' - by over-reporting deaths caused by such a horrible attack compared to the thousands of people killed every year by smoking, including children. Or compared to deaths in other parts of the world.

165. Quality Zoom

As I grew older I saw that even the most opinionated different-valued family member usually wanted to contribute. Sometimes it's a loan, sometimes it's looking after children, sometimes it is helping to fix something in the house, etc. Usually they do this because they are family. In most cases this is what it is like in all families. There is a will to contribute. You just need to need the help, to ask for it, and, of course, to want to receive and appreciate this quality from your family and put aside your other opinions for a moment.

164. First Peace

Maybe it's bad that you have to buy mid-wife-sessions to talk you up and calm you, if you can't get this from friends who family who live nearby and have the experience (we have that but they don't live nearby). Maybe it's a topic for political discussion about priorities of a welfare state. Maybe later. For now ... we enjoy the peace. And peace gives an opening for all the love to pour through unhindered. To Jay.