269. Reason

If I should believe in a more advanced version of this cosmology I just outlined – walk the talk – I would have to have faith that when the time is right people would begin to remember, just as I believe I have done.

This remembrance could take the form of an experience – say, of being helped when praying in whatever manner feels right for the individual.

It will come when the time is right because we all connected to a power – a wholeness – some call it “God” – which drives us towards this point, but also allows us to remain in ignorance as long as it fulfills an overall purpose of ‘recharging’ our mental batteries; providing enough contrast of experience so we can exist on in more boundless dimensions for a good chunk more of eternity – once again.

That is the kind of perspective I guess I have to keep, although it is not satisfactory in and of itself. I would like to help those who are ready to open themselves to the Bigger Perspective. I would like to recognize those fellow humans better.

So I can act, perhaps on an inspiration, and give them what they need. Not to believe in a specific religion but to gain more hope and well-being, like I described above, and then some pointers for setting out and finding their own answers.

Answers which can be experienced and have practical relevance in people’s lives … they must not just be answers that are purely abstract and cannot be tested or experienced.

We have had enough of these from established religions.

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268. Deserving

I will tell him what I think when it is the right time, if I think something I can tell him is the best.

That could even be, however awkwardly, to tell him to admit that he has lost his footing and pull the plug in some way and go to a summer house on a distant coast to find the energy again. 

But I don’t think it will come to that. Because for all my doubts I know him well enough to be able to think of better advice and action, like suggesting that we go both to that summer house to discuss the plot of a new role-playing game. Purely recreational, of course. Nothing to do with his actual need to go there.

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267. The Soul Opportunity

There’s a very real opportunity, however cliche, to reconnect with our souls on a long commute, by doing nothing in particular but looking out the window and let thoughts fly.

If you don’t believe in Soul then substitute with the term “feelings”. Those are the ones we so often leave un-noticed in the everyday drone and race. We ignore them. Act habitually and frantically, trying to get everything to ‘work out’.

Ignoring if the basis for wanting to work out something in particular has changed; if we feel differently about this or that matter.

We just act automatically, re-actively, habitually. Or at least I do. Maybe you are different?

Well, I didn’t think so. 

So there’s the deal: Try looking out the window, next time you commute. Try to do nothing. And just feel what you feel and what comes up.

Maybe when you commute next time it will be to somewhere entirely different.

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266. Close to Perfect

Jay was kind of impossible all day and we didn’t really find out why. We were still at my parents which was a a down in a sense (I’m writing this Friday, panting to catch up). I guess I wanted the time there to be more perfect and baby-coo-coo.

Which is silly, of course. Just like the idea that my parents have an idea that babies should be perfect.

They raised me and my brother, after all. 🙂 

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265. The Hardest Part

I suppose I should feel bereft, having spent such a long time struggling with this question about making money in better ways – only to end up realizing that I can’t solve it now and that I am definitely trying to solve it in a wrong way, a way that does not work and so I should stop.

And wait. See what comes.

That is the hardest part. But sometimes we have to.

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264. The Now That Matters

I think it took some time for my mum to get over that we had not revealed our efforts for 6 years to have children; she doesn’t like to be kept out.

But seeing her with her grand son, I think she is definitely over that now – seeing her joy. She is right here and now with him.

And so that is all that really matters. 

I did consider explaining more to her our reasons for keeping it a secret, all sorts of good reasons, especially when you are in a medical situation others can’t do anything about – but worry.

But now … it doesn’t matter. Only the here and now and, in a good sense, the future.

That matters and that is good.

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260. Show It

Wrote to all the attendants at Jay’s baptism and thanked them individually for their presents and presence. It took all day, but they earned it.

Not many days and social gatherings you can say that about, so when one shows up, it’s important to appreciate just that – and show it.

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259. Whatever and Courage

So I suppose, after all that has gone before on this gig, I should feel bad that I did not slam the door, or had the courage change myself enough to slam that door earlier in our ‘cooperation’. I mean, I should feel humiliated, shouldn’t I?

But, honestly, I just feel kind of …’whatever’.

Perhaps that is a sign I already have the courage. It doesn’t matter that he acted first.

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257. Small Victories

Alone one whole evening with Jay for the first time and it went rather badly. He wouldn’t take the bottle, or even a small glass of milk from Char. Not without screaming his lungs out.

I stopped after a while and just let him sleep in the carriage until Char came home. I felt pretty bad about it, except of course that I stopped in time, when I realized it did not work. That I did have that much sense, after trying for several hours.

Sometimes even small victories has to count.

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