The point is, I am convinced by now more than ever, to continually ask ourselves – what is it about our experience of life that we can continually make better and brighter, no matter circumstances and conditions which appear unchangeable? No matter, that life will end?
What is it?
We will have to find out – all over again.
I go home again and snap some more pictures of little toddler Jay for my mom.
There are worse ways to cope with a potentially deadly illness in the family.
I can think of worse storms than becoming a father. Because this is a storm that leaves something valuable behind, after all the things are uprooted.
You see, I promised to drive Char to our nephew’s 4th birthday down south and I told everybody I would come later because I was going to this old friend get-together.
But instead I will drive home and be alone for some hours, I think, and just think about all the things I have not had time to think about with Jay, with my ill mum, with work, with doing dishes.
Just me and some coffee and some stillness.
At a price. But here’s the chance.
That sort of thing which is forgettable but incredibly important. For all of us.
Got the crime website version 1.0 finished and it felt good, even if it is not completed yet and I have not been paid yet and all sorts of other things are not getting done.
But there is still a lot of satisfaction in making a piece of work that you know you’ve done your best with.
… maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.
But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.
You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.
I feel deeply I need to change my financial situation. I’m sick of it. Even if I’m not living in Ethiopia (far from it), I’m.Still.Sick.
I think that’s the only important part here:
I want change so much, in this department (so to speak), I’m more than willing to shit on all sorts of Perfectly Reasonable Reasons why something can’t be done or shouldn’t be done. (At least right now.)
And so I do. Now I just got to choose a starting date.
How about tomorrow?
I’m learning that the hard way, all the time. I’m learning that there are no certainties. Only certain patterns. In business.
And one pattern is negotiation. And as I’ve said before: You’ve got to know your deal-breaker. Mine wasn’t reached this time, but it was close because I felt insulted. But you can’t get personal. You have to give it a try – the deal. Especially in my position.
Then you can always draw away, if it doesn’t work. The trick is, as with Big Photographer Client Who Has A Small P, when to draw away. When to throw in the towel. When to walk away.
That is something I can only get better at learning. Here may be a new chance.
Or a good deal.
There are some wise words, if I recall – about economic decisions: They should only be made rationally. With your head, not your heart.
That also goes for the decisions to prioritize other things, which cause you to forego earning money.
If I do anything about it – and I’m not sure if and when … then it has to be video. My first product. In my webdesign business. And teaching on video. And talking on video.
Just like my historical live-talks, in a way, but with a less passionate subject.
But the medium is also my passion. And maybe that is enough this time.
We talk a walk by the fjord and went to a cafe and had some coffee and Jay slept (most of the time) in his carriage.
We surfed the internet and watched some lame TV and generally did nothing.
Because I knew that that is what I needed after these past weeks’ drain.
And so I managed. Despite the mist over the fjord.
Fear is an integral part of human life and it doesn’t matter that we are no longer living on the savanna looking over our shoulders all the time for saber tooth tigers. It doesn’t matter if we – as I do – have a more or less comforting spiritual world view and accompanying experiences (or beliefs that we have had certain experiences that confirms this view). It doesn’t matter if we are generally endowed with a very strong psychic condition whether from nature or from training, as certain special troops in the military many have, for example.
Fear is not something you eliminate from life. Even Jesus feared the cross. Joan of Arc feared the fire. We fear all the time.
Fear is not something you eliminate from life. It is something you learn to live with in better and better ways.
And fortunately, it is possible to do so and still have a good life.
But that Big Project – like writing a famous book or going to save the children in Africa somehow – is not for me. I feel other people can do these things better than I, especially because I have so little capital – financial, political, cultural when it comes to Africa. When it comes to famous books, I just don’t feel like that any longer. As I’ve already written about I know this motivation has been in me, for some reason, and it is deeply wrong.
And the list goes on. These are just two of the Big Things, I’ve chased and tried to do with my life and then not really done.
But maybe I don’t need to.
Maybe I just need to share all that I have learned.
As long as I’m going for the most victory possible, I’m on the right course.