Maybe it is the wrong choice but if there is one thing I have learnt it is that it is important to husband your resources. There are only so much crisis you can deal with at the time, or trauma healing, or difficult emotions. Sometimes you have to let the days and time heal as well. And the concern for others.
And if you leave something open doesn’t mean there is no answer or only negative answers – to The Big Questions – like “where do immortals come from” or “is there a God”.
It just means the jury is still out and the answers could be good and more than you can imagine.
I have heard that you should always make economic decisions with your head, not your heart. I suppose that goes for decisions about how and where and when to save, and not just where to spend.
The chemo choice is not about managing cancer, it is about managing fear. And that I know for sure.
And that is something I will use all my resources to help her with, because as long as there is life and no reason to believe it ends soon then that should be a life fully lived, not half lived. And a life half lived is a life in fear.
Or conflict. So no calls to my brother trying to persuade him to be less harsh with my mother. I’m not even sure he was “harsh” – maybe just blunt. And, of course, afraid on her behalf – of her making the wrong choice. But my mother made it sound, well, different … “I think he thought I was crazy” she said on the phone.
Well, that I hardly think my brother thought, much less said. But it just goes to show how vulnerable my mother is right now.
But fortunately, that is, as far as we know anything else, an emotional vulnerability. There is nothing more physical for the moment.
And that is what we must face. And deal with.
Management of fear, not cancer.
Although the two tend to be closely related.
But it is good to keep that in mind, what it is really about – when you try to help.
It is about that – and so it is about my mother’s peace of mind.
So no calls to my brother.
Everyone should have a friend they could borrow a house from. And if they don’t they should find such a friend, quickly.
I’d really love to see this outcome – that she got a huge chunk done in the first, say, 6 months. If she looks like she is prioritizing that I’d prioritize it, too. And I’d let her know beforehand that I am willing to risk less business, as long as our savings still hold. And then do this with her. I have let her know such a view before.
But I don’t think it will go this way. And I have to accept that. I think she will dabble a little and then … the Distractions.
It is okay. I love her. I love what we have together – all the rest. But I would really love for us to have this, too.
Not just to be able to better afford to pay someone to do our laundry every day, or live in a bigger place. Not just that.
Because it feels good – the idea of having our own business that has to do with a topic we are passionate about, and which might make a difference – very concretely, if we generate a surplus.
So I guess what I will have to do is to find a place for that dream. It should be like one of the old battleships – they are now museum ships but by law there is kept enough of the old shells around to reactivate them for service if need be. Or so I’ve read.
So maybe we can do this another day and win that battle to get it done.
But I will be realistic for now. And a good partner.
I have resolved to draw 25 pages or so and then see if I am not dead. If I am not dead I can draw another story, perhaps at a greater pace.
And I am going to do it the old-fashioned way because this has become, after all the soul-searching you know about, something mostly for the sake of my soul – a meditative practice if you will that makes me feel good and rejuvenated, in all the ways.
Sometimes when I have a few spare hours to myself after so much practical work I can really feel torn, if I should do more writing or blogging or maybe even business. But I have to sometimes let go and just watch a damn TV-series. Not all of the time, but sometimes and this was one of those times and it did me a world of good.
That and a whiskey before bed.
I wonder if the goal for the rest of my life should not be to set larger and larger goals – about accomplishments and achievements? I mean, forget more power and influence or ratings or readers or fans or whatnot. Focus more on cultivating the feeling that there is always an inner surplus of faith and calm and peace, but also of a sense of beauty and excitement – about things big and small.
It is hard to put into words, but perhaps it is a bit like the feeling you have when you have been at the beach all day long with family on a vacation and everything has gone well. You are calm and relaxed but you also have other sights and experiences you want to see. However, what is important it that your base on the beach, and in the holiday house perhaps – they are there. That sense of a base of calm and rejuvenation, from which you can venture out. I really can’t put it better than that right now.
It doesn’t negate large external goals, like growing my company to have employees – from 10 to 1000, or such. But perhaps that focus on ‘cultivating the beach’ is what underlies it all. If I feel I am moved away from that, while building my company then I am building in the wrong way, at the wrong time or I should not build at all.
And that’s it for this time. Only a few hundred words, but each one feels like a small candle in winter.
if there is one way to truly make a difference – over time – today it is on the Internet where 17 year old fashion bloggers attract 17 million followers easily. So you can get attention, you can share something widely, and – over time – you can make a difference in people’s lives. I may only be able to reach a few thousand people over the years, in a way that really matters, and many more in more superfluous ways, but I do believe this is the best way – to blog. And blog to share. Experiences.
Some thoughts about where I have been and where I am going … Art & Creativity & Stories I needed time to rediscover myself here, and ‘clean’ my motivations so I only do what my heart is really in. I feel now that I may want to at least draw something just for myself, and perhaps this … Read More
Whatever choice my mother makes there will always be uncertainty for me, and probably for the rest of us as well. Chemo won’t kill that. The chances of her surviving until 80 or 75 or 85 aren’t really as important – really – as the quality of time that we spend together and the quality of time she makes for herself until she needs to leave this dimension … It is a choice of how to live best that does not really require an answer to how long we will live or whether or not my mother decides to have chemo or not.
It is a choice about how to empower and uplift and improve relations. And that is always something that should be in focus, although sadly it rarely is until the demand is great.
But I feel empowered even so. I feel encouraged thinking about all the things I can do to share some beauty and joy and power, no matter what turn events take.
A very difficult and delicate balance, which I have often written about, and I will do so again. But it is important to keep in mind. Especially in situations such as this, where you are fearing for a loved one and pondering scenarios and outcomes and consequences whilst trying to live your daily:
Always try to keep a good balance between thinking and letting go and doing – something else. It is excruciatingly difficult but it is the only way – the only focus. Otherwise you tend to veer off towards extremes, like depression or suppression – which is kind of the same thing really.
So again I take a deep breath and go for balance.