We can only wait and see, but the important thing to me is that even though I feel personally (and I would never argue this to my mother) that it had been best to let it go without chemo, since this is her choice (as it should be) there may be an important gain here.
There may be a blessing in disguise here. Something that we can call out, if we want to, and if she doesn’t get to ill and too obsessed with being ill from chemo and what to do for daily relief.
And I’m putting a big parenthesis around the fact that we may – may – have bought her x number of more years to live. We will never know that. But if cancer ever resurfaces she will be more ready, I believe. She will also, importantly, know she has done what she could.
The opposite side of that coin is to feel cursed, of course. But avoiding a guilt trip if your life is threatened again, that is more important now. As is finding a place for this ghost in our souls.
I believe the path my mother has chosen now can be useful to find that place. It may lead to even more and more blessed places I cannot yet imagine.
But first we have to deal with the everyday illness and insecurity and Christmas and all the practicalities that arise from poisoning your cells in order to achieve a result worth the pain.
And so we will.