Whenever for some reason I experience such … mess in my head, my experience tells me that I should find an anchor-point. Something to focus on. Something that is positive, even if it doesn’t feel like the answer to any of those problems, imagined or otherwise.
I think writing is a good start …
There is, in all matters, something about forcing things that rarely seem to work for me, unless it is a deadline in webdesign or such.
It clears your mind, too.
Don’t believe it?
Try living in a dump and get things done. I dare you.
I found out the Internet itself was the problem – and the temptation to focus on everything else than what you had decided to focus on.
Perhaps that is why this blog post is kind of important after all. If I then act on it, and say definitively goodbye to Star Wars (and the new Marvel comics).
Well, I do.
And it felt like a relief, despite the void.
But voids are there to be filled. And maybe a few new TV-series about some sprawling epic fascinating scifi universe can wait, anyway. Maybe it would be better to create something myself. Or maybe it would be better to create more quality time with friends and family.
Banal, yes, but isn’t it true?
But long story short here … maybe I can live with my webdesign business as it is and just do whatever I am most motivated for and most energized for and have the most time for from April … to earn more money.
I don’t know what that could be, only that – as I have harped about many times before – it has to be something that makes earning income more automatic and passive. As much as possible. Otherwise it can’t scale. I can’t keep selling hours. And I won’t.
So product. Or content that can be monetized, e.g. via ads or affiliates.
Full circle there …
And then on the side do some CSR or other, when I have the extra surplus. At least it would heighten my motivation to find that type of product or other asset that I am motivated to create.
If I can use that asset to give something to more than myself. That is always a good motivation for me.
It is a mess in my mind right now, but at least I can see some threads that I can bind together.
Right now, though, I will have to wait and let time and my heart delve on this and come up with more precise answers.
And meanwhile keep trying lots of options.
Dragged an old drawer Char has inherited from her mum back down from the attic, because we don’t have enough space – even with our new mega-cupboard. Jay’s toys and clothes are already piling up, but I don’t think that’s so much of a problem anymore. In fact, it feels easier and easier to clean up and let go of our stuff, and also to decide which of his things to keep. And for how long.
It is not that easy, mind you. But the exercise of throwing things out and constantly evaluating what you need and what you don’t need does get relatively easier if you are forced to make it – constantly. And we are.
It feels as if it is with this exercise as with any other kind of exercise: It gets easier the more you do it. The hard part is getting started.
So maybe this is stupid. Another false start. Another hope that won’t really come to anything. Another groping in the dark.
But I have to keep this search up, after a story with art that I can do, at this point in my life, because I need to do such creativity.
I have to keep up the search.
Otherwise, what is there but to sit in the dark and wait for it to become all there is?
Originally I felt like writing a post which was very dark, lamenting why I could seemingly never here in my middle years find some kind of priority-mix for creativity that worked and fit the rest of my life. Then the uplifting part – LOL – would be some conclusion about accepting that never-ending search and just appreciate that I was creative and had had many good creative experiences.
Fortunately I did not write that. I wrote this.
And in this the conclusion is that I am almost there.
Given my current life situation and priorities I HAVE to put first – such as earning money now, and taking care of family – given all that and given the limited hours, if not minutes, I have for anything else, this feels like a good combo.
I will write a bit of novellas, which I am already good at and use that process for blogging.
I will write a bit of Hammer-story and do all kinds of illustrations for it, comics pages or otherwise, whatever feels right. I will use that process as well to tell about some interesting and hopefully useful experiences here, on The Blog.
And it will be bits and bits and bits and not much more. But it will be moving forward. And that feels damn good.
Char was away from Jay today for the longest time since his birth – 8 hours – and I had to look after him. And I was nervous about that, like any man.
But it went quite well. And I feel totally good about that. I know it sounds trite, but I do feel a bit more being a father because I was able to do this.
Now I know what all the buzz is about.
We can only wait and see, but the important thing to me is that even though I feel personally (and I would never argue this to my mother) that it had been best to let it go without chemo, since this is her choice (as it should be) there may be an important gain here.
There may be a blessing in disguise here. Something that we can call out, if we want to, and if she doesn’t get to ill and too obsessed with being ill from chemo and what to do for daily relief.
And I’m putting a big parenthesis around the fact that we may – may – have bought her x number of more years to live. We will never know that. But if cancer ever resurfaces she will be more ready, I believe. She will also, importantly, know she has done what she could.
The opposite side of that coin is to feel cursed, of course. But avoiding a guilt trip if your life is threatened again, that is more important now. As is finding a place for this ghost in our souls.
I believe the path my mother has chosen now can be useful to find that place. It may lead to even more and more blessed places I cannot yet imagine.
But first we have to deal with the everyday illness and insecurity and Christmas and all the practicalities that arise from poisoning your cells in order to achieve a result worth the pain.
And so we will.
I have 20 minutes every day to myself. After Jay starts daycare I might have an hour or two at best, because I still have to spend more time making money.
So those are facts.
They should make it easy to choose how to spend that time for some years in the future.
So: Beauty can be used as a question – “is this beautiful to do or think”? – in order to gain more of a beautiful experience. It just has to be made a habit to ask that question. And that is, as always, the hard part.
It doesn’t matter if I succeed at work, with my family or with art. There is always something to tell – to blog. If I have not said this before, I will gladly say it again, because it is worth remembering.
It is not just about saying things, it is about sharing them. And giving something to others thereby. Something we all strive for deep down, I believe.
It is a blessing that this is possible in the day of the Internet, even if you fuck up most other things in your life.