481. First Time In A Long Time

You know the real best here is that I don’t feel stressed about this any longer. I do one bit every day on The Blog, which may or may not be a creative project-related thing. And that is it.

I accept if it fails again. I accept that the majority of my life is going to be about earning money and taking care of my family. For the foreseeable time.

I prioritize during the day to draw if I am home and have a break, and I am not going to be online because why the hell would I need to check Facebook for the 7th time? Really? Why the hell?!

So I haven’t this evening either. But that is an aside.

What matters is that I have a feeling of true strength. For the first time in a long time.

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480. Puritan

My soul wanted this for a long time.

But there were many excuses.

One of them: You are too puritan if you decide to be absolutely abstinent in the age of the Internet, even if just while home.

Puritan is a weird word. 

But the question is what I am if I actually get to draw a lot of valuable and joyful and significant stuff again before I die?

If that is a puritan then that is what I am. 

I like the word in that case.

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479. You Have That Parent Experience Again When …

You Have That Parent Experience Again When …… you one the one hand are really, really angry and feel like saying something nasty to your spouse who can’t or won’t understand why lack of sleep and time to yourself got to you first, when she is preoccupied with her own lack …

… and on the other your heart is genuinely old-fashionedly melting when you see your 11 month old son trying to drink from a cup.

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478. Sanitizing

Decided only to blog in the evenings after Jay has gone to bed – which is insane of course, if I ever want to get more blogging done in the short-term.

Or perhaps it is sanest of all.

I mean, that affirms that I even though I truly do want The Blog to be big, helpful and much read … my primary priority IS for blogging to give me energy. Not going to make the same mistake with blogging – again – which killed so many novels for me. That would be … well, you know what it would be.

So I expect the next many future entries to be much shorter, more concise and thematically all over the place.

I also expect a better blog because of just that.

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476. Rebaptized

“If you try to avoid or remove the awkward quality, it will pursue you. The only effective way to still its unease is to transfigure it, to let it become something creative and positive that contributes to who you are.
Nietzche said that one of the best days in his life was the day when he re-baptized all his negative qualities as his best qualities. Rather than banishing what is at first glimpse unwelcome, you bring it home to unity with your life…..One of your sacred duties is to exercise kindness toward them. In a sense, you are called to be a loving parent to your delinquent qualities” 

– John O’Donohue

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475. Miracle Agendas

MRN and his wife had a son yesterday. The best of news after all the time we thought they could not.

And before they thought so, Char and I thought so. (And while we thought so, they thought still they could.)

Children … 

Apparently they decide when miracles happen.

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474. No Resent

“But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it.” – ― Vita Sackville-West, The Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf

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471. Choose

To once again remind myself that if I find myself in such a situation the best solution is not to try to sit down and analyse what is most important and then use 1 hour to do that and then have one hour left to do it.

The best course is just to choose.

And do it.

And choose something I know will give me positive energy.

So there it is once again. It’s Joan of Arc.

But it could have been other things.

What is it for you?

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469. You Can’t Take The Afternoon With You

“Thomas Merton wrote, “there is always a temptation to diddle around in the contemplative life, making itsy-bitsy statues.” There is always an enormous temptation in all of life to diddle around making itsy-bitsy friends and meals and journeys for itsy-bitsy years on end. It is so self-conscious, so apparently moral, simply to step aside from the gaps where the creeks and winds pour down, saying, I never merited this grace, quite rightly, and then to sulk along the rest of your days on the edge of rage.

I won’t have it. The world is wilder than that in all directions, more dangerous and bitter, more extravagant and bright. We are making hay when we should be making whoopee; we are raising tomatoes when we should be raising Cain, or Lazarus.

Go up into the gaps. If you can find them; they shift and vanish too. Stalk the gaps. Squeak into a gap in the soil, turn, and unlock-more than a maple- a universe. This is how you spend this afternoon, and tomorrow morning, and tomorrow afternoon. Spend the afternoon. You can’t take it with you.”

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