“‘Unfortunately I cannot show it to you,’ replied the master, ‘because I burned it in my stove.’
‘I’m sorry but I don’t believe you,’ said Woland. ‘You can’t have done. Manuscripts don’t burn.'” – Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita
As I get older I find that I still struggle with fears, perhaps more so than before – fears that come out of nowhere.
But, I suppose, founded in reality. Or potential reality.
Fear of growing old, dying suddenly, getting ill, becoming handicapped, losing Char or Jay like that, etc.
Those and other fears. But the physical ones – about physical danger – seem more pertinent. They circle like shadows of sharks.
I have before berated myself for those fears, but as I grow older I also find that the only way to deal with them properly is to accept them completely.
And then use the rest of the time to the best of my ability, regardless whether the fears come true or not.
It is difficult but it is the only way. Otherwise you get a vicious circle with fear of … fear.
And I could say the same about a lot of other sharks.
“I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I’ve come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty bats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them…” – Annie Dillard
IMO You have to do at least two things to ‘find’ a plot (and thus conflicts) in a story:
1) Put some part of a painful memory, a returning fear, a constant yearning, a powerful desire or any another resonant experience, fantasy or wishful thinking you have ever had yourself … into one or more of your characters.
2) Want badly enough to explore and share that particular experience with the world in prose, even if in a totally disguised form.
I do that all the time – invest free time in trying to get leads.
But not without limits.
I have talked in general about entrepreneurship and my webdesign business. I have not really tried to connect in English with other WordPressers out there.
I’m not going to blog about all the technical stuff or guides or anything. And I’m not going to comment much about colleagues’ blogs about that.
But there are other colleagues/competitors who have great blogs of a more general nature about the business and about life and the business.
I’m going to find them.
And connect with them, too.
Perhaps that is what I need to get more of this connection stuff going.
“Reshaping life! People who can say that have never understood a thing about life—they have never felt its breath, its heartbeat—however much they have seen or done. They look on it as a lump of raw material that needs to be processed by them, to be ennobled by their touch. But life is never a material, a substance to be molded. If you want to know, life is the principle of self-renewal, it is constantly renewing and remaking and changing and transfiguring itself, it is infinitely beyond your or my obtuse theories about it.”
“Farewell we call to hearth and hall!
Though wind may blow and rain may fall,
We must away, ere break of day
Far over the wood and mountain tall.” – J.R.R.T.
I think I want The Blog to be like a mountain range, as it grows older. A mountain range in cyberspace Not any particular mountain or landmark, but important nonetheless, for people who live there or close by.
“She was the first “nice” girl he had ever known. In various unrevealed capacities he had come in contact with such people but always with indiscernible barbed wire between. He found her excitingly desirable. He went to her house, at first with other officers from Camp Taylor, then alone. It amazed him—he had never been in such a beautiful house before. But what gave it an air of breathless intensity was that Daisy lived there—it was as casual a thing to her as his tent out at camp was to him. There was a ripe mystery about it, a hint of bedrooms upstairs more beautiful and cool than other bedrooms, of gay and radiant activities taking place through its corridors and of romances that were not musty and laid away already in lavender but fresh and breathing and redolent of this year’s shining motor cars and of dances whose flowers were scarcely withered. It excited him too that many men had already loved Daisy—it increased her value in his eyes. He felt their presence all about the house, pervading the air with the shades and echoes of still vibrant emotions.”
“They loved each other, not driven by necessity, by the “blaze of passion” often falsely ascribed to love. They loved each other because everything around them willed it, the trees and the clouds and the sky over their heads and the earth under their feet.”
“But I am constant as the Northern Star,
Of whose true-fix’d and resting quality
There is no fellow in the firmament.”
– Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
So, full circle, in a strange way.
And no trying to escape anymore – to more money, more fame, more artistic income streams, more ‘important’ work or shit like that.
And that acceptance, as I have chronicled before, is … huge.
Of course, it comes with a condition: In my spare time I should do EVERYTHING to follow my artistic dreams.
Not to do something big and famous or to earn enough on that and ‘break free’ from my self-employment life as a WordPress and WooCommerce consultant and fixer but simply to … do it. Live it. Enjoy it.
Otherwise: What is the bloody point?!
And that is a good way to start looking forward.
I thought for a long time it would help me finish creative projects if I narrowed them down to just one, due to work and family time constraints.
Turns out I get more motivated by having about 3 projects that I can shift between (but not many more), like I am recording an album instead of just having to choose a single song.
It may take longer, in principle, to finish any one of these projects, yes – but now I feel more confident that I WILL actually finish one, because I realized that this worked for me.