212. Different Similarities

Visited an old acquaintance today, who has got special hands. She does some form of healing, I’d say, and I also bought an hour of that. Made some business for her and got a lot of energy from it myself.

I let results speak for themselves. Who cares how it works.

Anyway, the funny thing is that this old acq, whose relation to me has kind of verged on the frontier of friendship for years, she is very similar to some other women I know. In particularly one – CS:

She is very good-hearted, almost ‘angel-like’. Her first and strongest trait.

She, like CS, is also rather disorganized, impulsive and has this penchant for telling ‘dramatic stories’ most of the time about what they do, and the people they’ve met. There’s always something happening.

I resonate the least with CS’s ‘way’ and a lot more with this, well, let’s call her friend then. DH is a friend in some fashion. I feel that, although she is not a close friend.

However, on my way home – by train, since she live a bit outside the Capital City – I got thinking about what the difference is between these two women.

If they are so similar, after all, how come I feel I am a much better match for DH than CS? I really don’t feel like seeing CS anymore, because I don’t resonate with her ‘way’, even if I do love her drive to work hard for others and to sacrifice. Those are traits I can’t argue with.

But again, if these two women are so similar, why do I feel there is an acute difference even so – which makes me resonate a lot more with DH than CS at this point in our lives? I’ve known DH for 12 years and CS for, yeah, 25. So I have had time to think a lot about … these relations.

The conclusion so far must be that they are both ‘angels’, but also both disorganized, impulsive and ‘drama queens’ in a manner of speaking.

But the chief difference in their similarities is that CS is a lot more drama queen – a lot more driven to tell all sorts of stories about all the weird and dramatic situations she has been in. Seldom, if ever, showing what is underneath. How she really feels. Weakness. Doubt.

DH does that, when you talk to her. Maybe not as much as I feel is the ideal, but she does open up. The stories top and we get to what is underneath.

I’m not asking people to bare all for me, no matter how long I’ve known them. But I do appreciate honesty and transparency more and more as I grow older.

And the easiest test is to listen for the part in the conversation where the other says: ‘I didn’t know what to do about that and it hurt’. Or something to that equivalent. And still has no answers. And dares not to have any answers. Dares to admit something hurt – that they weren’t strong or in control.

Saying ‘This was one crazy night and when he said that I cried like I thought I’d lose my mind’ and then look as if you are really not phased but just plow on (okay, maybe look a little bit like a martyr, but one who can bear it) … doing that is not what I am looking for.

You know the old saying: ‘The smile doesn’t quite reach the eyes’?

Well, in CS’s case it’s like the eyes don’t quite match the lack of smile. The lack of smile indicates that something hurtful and dramatic has taken place and it is matched by the words that tell this story. ‘I cried all night’.

The eyes, however, are looking very intently at you, as if they are really besieging you to pay attention and to recognize how strong she was when it was really bad. But not recognize anything more. Not see anything more. Of her.

Because soon after she goes on to talk about something else, not delving on this, supposedly serious issue. Always something happening. Always moving on. 10 different chaotic situations juggled at once and then one more. ‘Look at me – I’m so overwhelmed, but I’m plowing through, I’m strong’.

That one ‘way’ of relating to others is, unfortunately, a way that has become more and more succinct with CS over the years. It culminated this spring, in a series of group-letters home from the ‘front’ in her medical field work in Africa. They were all drama, all look at what I do, but nothing about her feelings.

DH is like that sometimes, too, but to a much lesser degree. I am like that. Heck, we are all like that. We all like to come off as stronger than we really are, to be admired, to tell dramatic stories, maybe even come off a bit as martyrs in some life-situations or others.

I get that.

But the difference between these two women is clear: CS is just very far – very far – away into that kind of … role.

DH is there sometimes, but over a cup of tea, she – like many others I know – can open up. Especially if I open up first. Showing the way. Showing that it is all right to say that something hurt and that you didn’t know what the hell to do about it.

Maybe this unease about admitting that we fucked up or were hurt and just being with other people, while we feel this … maybe it is one of the true invisible problems of mankind. Something that really, really hampers us but we seldom recognize it.

Maybe. But thinking about these women and how they are has put the issue in sharper relief for me. And made me even clearer about what I wish to be myself and who I wish to be with.

It is not easy. It is not easy being open, especially not about being hurt or having made mistakes. You don’t have to break down in tears, of course, but just … saying it. And then letting it sink in.

Just that simple act is not easy.

It isn’t for me either. So I shouldn’t be too hard on CS. It’s not about me being perfect and she being … something else.

But it’s about wanting to move in another direction. To work on becoming more open, more honest. To actively realize this wish and want it.

And I just have to say that’s the resonance for me – the closer people are to that realization.

Then they don’t have to ever be able to do it fully. They just have to want more of it.

Openness. Transparency. Being able to be with others, as they are. When they are as they are.

Fuck the role. Admit that you don’t have any good role to play in this situation, but that it is okay.

That is difficult. Extremely difficult. But it’s something I want more of. And I want to be with more people who want more of it.