222. The Inside That I Carve

Wrote a new novella, my first one this year.

I have officially quit doing the novellas about Carrie Sawyer (ex-drug addict, mother-in training, struggling artist)  at least with any meaningful drive.

Creatively they are not really what I want to do with my writing anymore – if anything. Commercially – well, never mind.

But sometimes inspiration strikes and I figure since I have built up this universe of interlinked stories, I might as well continue it – from time to time. When I feel the need to.

This one is, like all of the others, a more or less distorted reflection of my own experiences of and feelings about life. I guess a sub-title could be: ‘Mid-life crisis’, although that would be too whiny. Like Clarice, in the story, admonishes Carrie not to be.

I do sometimes feel that I am stuck, like Carrie. Not in my relationship as such but more in other parts of life – esp. with regard to building a business that earns me something and makes a difference. On the other hand, it’s been only recently that I got the courage to actually start doing this business full-time, so I guess what I am really struggling with is regret over the years wasted here. I could have been further ahead, if I had decided to switch earlier.

Then come all the excuses: illness, death in the family, moving between several different places, struggling to have kids, money-problems, exhausting job with night watches, etc. etc.

But now I made the switch and I have a kid, so go figure. I’m not sure I would have if Char had not inherited some money, though.

On the other hand, I haven’t really had that much choice since my unemployment insurance ran out and I had to do something. So I made my own company. Not so glamorous but there you have it.

The matter of the fact is that I’ve gotten to where I am by a lot of happenstance, or so it feels. It feels like I’ve tried to control my job, income and career-choices and yet they were always dictated largely by circumstances.

Not so strange but on the other hand (and since I don’t live in the Somali desert) not something I think I should have to accept.

Aside from acts of God and other knocks that life can give, such as health problems, I should still strive to create a system which earns me – by delivering something valuable to many people – and which I control. Otherwise I will still be swept away by everything that happens around me.

That goal is the single most important from now on.

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