233. What I Saw

My best friend, MRN, and his wife, L, was over to see us and Jacob and I thought a lot about how the hell I should handle this.

You see M and L want a child but, like us until 2016, have not been able to do it. And he is 40 and she is 39. So … time is ticking.

Strange but originally she was pregnant in 2015 and I thought – “this is going to be hard, seeing them and knowing we can never have a child”.

How do you keep jealousy from coming between you and best friends in such an emotionally raw situation?

Maybe you can only try. Maybe you shouldn’t try to weed it out, just balance it. And it will be possible.

Even back then I was clear that M would always be my best friend and that I would always care about his wife as much as if she was my own sister. And be happy for them deeply and honestly.

And then things changed – and we got Jay. Like lightning. While they …

The good factor here is that they have no need of treatments, at least as far as I know. Only more time, because of their age to try.

And then maybe something personal, too. You see, she does a lot of concerts and is seldom home on the right dates.

You know which dates I am referring to.

And I can tell you that the chances of conceiving a child, even when you are 20 and fully able is only about 25 per cent for the average woman who has sex, like, very much in those 24-48 hours that you have  Рonce every month.

Yes, those chances. Not more. And they dwindle with age.

I think they have made a right choice, though, as far as I can perceive it ¬†– and that is to let nature do its thing when it does its thing. And not ‘work for it’.

Speaking from experience, back when I still thought we could ¬†conceive normally, I can tell you that it quickly destroys your sex life – and peace of mind – trying to have sex by the clock each month. Maybe you can do it less … strained. But as time wears on and if you feel you are already ‘behind’ … well, that’s just not going to end good.

So they made, as far as I can tell (I have never asked directly), a measured choice: Live their lives and see what happens, even if chances diminish the more time passes. Even if 3 months pass and they don’t have sex at the right dates, I suppose. Or a year. Or …

I’m pretty sure that’s the deal they have come up with, no matter how hard that choice was.

So I see the uncertainty in their eyes when they see Jay, hold him, smile at him: “What’s going to happen for us? Did we make the right choice?”

I did see that today. No surprise, but still …

For I was afraid, I’d not see happiness – for us. Deep and honest happiness.

But I did see that.

I was afraid I would see too much doubt, when their own pain clouded things too much, and it would hurt me – and Char – too, even if understandable.

But I saw nothing like that.

I saw a glimmer of sadness and of that pain, later when we walked home and talked about a extra room they are building in their house and what it might be used for. Guests or …

But I never saw their honest sadness at their own situation overshadow their happiness for our situation. Not once.

I may be imagining things, but I really felt it energized them to see Jay – gave them some of that undefinable happiness, too, that babies tend shine into the hearts of people, even if they are not your own.

I really felt that. I hope that it was so.

Which means, I guess, that the most precious thing is still more than intact – our friendship.

And love.