Apropos my recent introspection about and decision to not push myself to draw …
In late 2015, I made the Pretty Big Decision of shelving a fantasy novel I had been working on for 3 years.
Another one for the deskdrawer …
It may come up again. It may not. But then it finally became official in October 2015:
No more lying about the fact that I de facto have other priorities. And no crying about the universe I created and the 200 very nice pages that I had written …
So what was left? What is left?
Especially after my debacle with the year-long sense that I needed to draw to gain some kind of … affirmation?
A lot, it feels. Quite a lot.
For one thing, I feel more motivated to write more novellas again. And they will serve me well – as a kind of … meditation, I guess. I did in October 2015. I still do now – in July 2017.
I have written a couple in between, but now I feel a new surge of inspiration.
Not for fame. Not for money.
Just to … feel my Self.
For lack of better words.
Just this way. A way that always served me.
It’s the right thing to do at this juncture, as it was the right thing then – to focus on the novellas. I already have the next in my head.
And generally, I have got to limit my focus or I will overstretch my various goals. And fall and fail. Not get things done. Not reach them.
It has all happened before. I know myself well enough by now.
But not again.
So sacrifices was made back then, and so they have again.
But sometimes … sometimes sacrifices aren’t really sacrifices.
Just a … reshuffling of the cards?
I’m very, very happy – deep inside – that the time I do want to prioritize writing novellas.
Not novels. Not even short novels (40K+ words) like I tried in April this year.
These novellas are writings that I feel I have to prioritize in periods of my life in order not to go insane …
And so my time goes to my novellas. Again. After another hiatus.
Writing is something I ‘am’. But under certain conditions.
I guess that can be said about drawing as well, although I have to completely reboot that because for so many years I didn’t create the right conditions and now I feel, well, empty inside about this entire talent/passion.
So let’s turn to writing about Carrie, again, because in those stories I find my energy, again.
I just need to find the right space for it in the calendar, so I don’t make it bigger than it should be or smaller than it should be.
I don’t need permission to do it – to be it. Or rewards.
Sometimes it’s okay just to do something that you are.
In fact, it is very okay.