244. Drop By Drop

Taking my first break from Robinson Crusoe-posting, I simply need to say that maybe I have fucked up all this time – trying to find more enjoyable ways to make money.

At least as regards the way I’ve tried …

I was thinking that if I don’t feel good still, perhaps worse, than when I started trying to find that way to make money in a more enjoyable, passionate way, then perhaps my goal is wrong – or the way to the goal is wrong!

You see, after a July of both thinking a lot and feeling bad a lot, I have to conclude that my struggle to move away from a situation, I don’t like is what is causing at least half of what I don’t like about the situation – associating that situation with stress.

Perhaps it is causing more, since it is also making me stress when I am not in that situation – when I am not spending my hours working for annoying clients, I brood about how I can avoid this situation and change it and I stress to find some way to change it.

So perhaps it’s time for something new: A new perspective on how to earn both as a web-designer, and in general, and in ways that I like. I think I know why I’ve hated my work sometimes and what I can do to turn it around.

I mean suppose the real world looks like this:

1) Stress from having to work to earn money in ways I (often but not always) don’t like: 20 percent

Like: arguing with intransigent client whose money you need

2) Stress from fretting about this situation and not accepting it, while I am in it: 40 per cent

Like: brooding about the arguments and how to get out of this work-situation while doing the work you finally agreed on

3) Stress from thinking, brooding about this and trying to devise ways to escape the work-situations as quickly as possible, while also struggling to find time for those ways: 40 per cent

Like: yeah – like it says on the tin …

But what if I ditched 2+3?

What if I spent all my time doing something to create the situation I want – the most enjoyable money-making situation I can imagine – when I am not working in situation (1)?

Wouldn’t that be a better choice?

Wouldn’t that eliminate the stress I feel due to (3) and perhaps diminish (2) quite a bit?

I’ve done something similar back in 2006 when I recovered from anxiety and I agreed with myself that if I could never get well, I would spend all the time I could when I was NOT having anxiety thinking about something Good. And then … I healed.

I’m not saying I should accept the situation as is, but what if I’ve been making the situation worse by imagining that there was some situation in the future I could not get to fast enough? Put that extra stress on myself, trying to get out more quickly of the present work-situation, which then, by definition, was extra loath-some because it contrasted that future goal of (imaginary) bliss earning money in a different way – perhaps from ebooks?

Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can – like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool … or something.

Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance?

I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.

I thought I did that … but no.

I have – again – been caught with my pants down on this. I’ve tried to escape an unpleasant situation by using linear time and goal-setting and speed-metaphors to change that situation.

Like, I was thinking the other day – ‘If I can produce so and so videos or products and sell them fast enough then in a year, I can be free of x, y and z clients’.

What if I killed that ‘year’ or any other time set in the future, in the horizon and just really tried to accept that it happens when it happens and maybe it never happens. Maybe it’ll always be a bit of a mix but affirm that there’s a good chance the situation overall will improve if I change now and do This?

Create the pool.

Fill it more and more until it overflows.

You may think you do that by taking many small actions towards your goal every day.

But that’s wrong. At least for me.

Delete that thinking about a goal in the future. It only makes the present feel worse.

Create the present now, as much as you can, and focus on growing that present.

Currently it is only a pool or pond or small drop in the lake of reality that is your present and which is a bit stormy, cold and muddy all at the same time.

But focus on growing it and enjoying each growth-step now and not in the future. Don’t sell your present as hostage to your future.

Isn’t that what I should tell myself? And do?

God, I only wish I had The Analogy for this … something I could remind myself of again and again and make this analogy of reality into the reality I want.

I guess that’s the first thing I’ll look for then. Perhaps in the memories of a real Robinson Crusoe.

It is strange to think of, but at some point – even if he tried to keep track – Alexander Selkirk must have lost track of time on his island. Or at least lost the feeling of time as we have it here in the civilized, populated world where everything is lived according to calendars.

What was that feeling like? The good part of his experience of being alone – or one of them, at least.

Can it even be defined? Was it real? Didn’t he try to carve dates on a tree? Or was that just in the movies?

Whatever the case, perhaps there is an Analogy I can use – or a mystery.

If it works, it works.