256. Breathing Space

Rough day yesterday, between Char and I. The stress from too much work, too much baby, and too many events had not faded enough – even after the baptism – and made me angry at a great many things.

But we survived, again, as we have done so often in our 20 years together. I’d like to chalk it up to experience that we got it out of the system and got everything rebooted but what really happened was that at some point we just sat down and stared.

Char said I should leave and I was of a mind to leaving, but it wouldn’t really solve anything and we both knew it. We both also knew it wasn’t as serious as that. We loved each other, there were no really serious issues – like abuse or long-running neglect. There was only the argument itself.

So the air went out of the balloon and we just sat and stared at each other and felt very sad about it all. I asked to hold Jay and that helped a bit, and then some more.

So did it stop because a part of me – of us – was experienced enough to realize that we weren’t getting anywhere, even when caught up in anger? Or was it just a coincidence – that we took this break because there wasn’t anything else to do, and then the toxic emotions slowly became less?

Maybe it was 50/50.

Maybe that is good enough, at this point in time.

But it’s a mess and it’s going to be slow fixing what stresses me, in the current situation – everything I do entails a cost and I don’t have an overview. Work less, earn less. Be less at home, support Char less – and Jay. Drop family and friends – you know that cost. Clean up less in the apartment – it can’t really be much less! Etc. Etc.

Just have to do a bit here and there and wait for things to calm. Then more permanent solution, or better at least.

Like first aid – first you stop the accident and bring people to safety. Then you start the actual first aid.

Not nearly as dramatic, but there’s a certain point in that. I can’t come up with big plans to fix the imbalances in my life right now. I need to be able to breathe first. And to do that I must fumble a bit in the dark for some time yet, and see what I can move out of the way to get that breathing space.