265. The Hardest Part

All right, I’m done with trying to create ‘passive income’. At least for now.

I tried some short time ago – again – creating the first of a series of products, this time for my company’s webshop. It seemed like a good product, a good idea, and then … it fizzled and I didn’t feel good about it and pulled it.

Like with so many other attempts, in relation to my current company – which is basically just myself selling my time. And in relation to many other, well, projects.

This time the concrete attempt at doing a product – a series of recordings – was another way of trying to combine what I do on this blog with what I do in my company, trying to help people get something together inside of themselves, instead of just their websites.

F… the details, though. What matters is that after a few days it felt wrong and I pulled it. Again.

I’ve since – again – contemplated the old horses: writing fiction, boosting up this blog and selling ads and affiliate space, doing some product related to my live-talks, doing other webdesign-related products (ebooks and courses) but with about the mental side of string together the web-part of any business.

And. So. On.

All the old ideas, once more.

And all feel wrong.

It also still feels wrong trying to live for the rest of my life, and safe something for safety and old age, just selling my time. And in my mind I know it is a wrong strategy. Making a system of value that serves people and at the very least covers my living – that is and has got to be the right way.

I’ve already done an extensive blog-series trying to analyze this question and find out why I have failed at creating passive income over the years and in particular what inner blocks … and it has ended up nowhere.

Something is not working. And that something is inside me. But I don’t know what it is.

In such a situation, I feel the best course is to let go and do what is indeed enjoyable in terms of work, although it has all the usual drawbacks.

What else is there to do but that and then hope that I will get new inspiration or ideas down the line?

Pressing on feels like wading through quicksand right now.

I guess I should have some kind of deadline for when I take up this project again, so I don’t succumb to ‘this can never get better thinking’. But perhaps it can get better – right now – if I let go of any preconceived notions about what it is with this kind of scalable, automated, more-or-less-passive, product-oriented, business-system-ish income that will give me more peace, more joy and more happiness.

All of which, I should think, are the ultimate goals, right?

So I need to trust that I will not let myself down and never improve my lot, even if I give up temporarily. I need to trust that my mind, soul and heart needs this break and will get something out of it, because it sure seems that nothing is gained from pressing on and stressing about it in the now.

Something in my mind shuts me down every time, concretely because I loose motivation, faith or a bit of both – in that this will work or is worth making into something that work.

There is a strange resemblance to my problems with writing fiction – that great novel or a series. For money, for fame, for ‘just because’ – all those years I had that undefinable, or vaguely definable, drive to do this: write novels. And it never worked. And I tried and tried but never got one novel fully written.

And then I gave that up and it felt like a relief. I have since dabbled a little, like with my short novel this spring, but I quickly realized this, too, was not something I felt ready to develop and so let it go.

I wish, though, I knew exactly if the reason I cannot create business systems to get me more passive, more enjoyable income is the same as the reason I could not write novels, supposedly.

That reason was about having all the wrong motivations. I need to write, yes. Like breathing. But novellas. From time to time. I don’t need to write big novels. Or even win awards for them. Or sell millions.

With this project – gaining more passionate income or whatever – there has been a drive in me to get away from my current income-making activities and into a sphere of something that feels better. An escape in other words.

I’ve read that that is not the way to go if you want to be successful, mainly because your primary urge should be to create value for others, but also because the work you do should have a strong element of intrinsic satisfaction. You should also see a business system, such as a book-store, as a way to earn more money, more easily so you will be able to spend more time doing the work you love when you want to do it. Not as an escape to get away from another kind of work, or to a leisure activity.

I suppose the reason for this assertion, especially its last component, is very logical at the end of the day: If you want to create a business that can only be successful by serving well the needs of others, then you can’t do it if your primary motivation is to fulfill your own need to escape some situation or other. Then you are thinking mostly of … yourself.

And that is all I have learned, I suppose, throughout this project. And it has left me with no choice but to give up for now, I feel, and try to make the best of what I do.

I want to make a better website with more articles on webdesign which automatically draws in more clients whom I then spend time to serve. But I will also have more clients to choose from and the part where I go cold-calling clients will be diminished. So that will indeed make my active work more enjoyable, if nothing else.

Then I will do that live-talk, too, about Robinson Crusoe – finish it and promote it. Because that is a money-making activity I love very much.

And that’s about it. For now.

I suppose I should feel bereft, having spent such a long time struggling with this question about making money in better ways – only to end up realizing that I can’t solve it now and that I am definitely trying to solve it in a wrong way, a way that does not work and so I should stop.

And wait. See what comes.

That is the hardest part. But sometimes we have to.