Dentist-visits and business-meetings and a generally mixed day with no particular highlights – the ones you are afraid will come to make up a majority of your life. And yet … I was calm, about this and other such matters.
Since I decided to stress down and be my best self and use the lessons of the past – again – I’ve felt decidedly better and calmer and more at peace. And that was needed!
I’ve since reflected much on how this came about. Despite all my years of learning to de-stress and control anxiety, the wonders of how my mind works are often eluding me. Difficult to describe, operationalize, understand.
But I will make an attempt:
I believe that my success this time in imposing order and calm has something to do with letting go of a major fear – namely that I will not make enough money in the future to, well, fulfill whatever needs I have.
A side-effect of letting go of that is that I’m no longer worried about when I will get new clients and how many and how much I will earn. Or when I will find a way to earn something through a system that can keep operating when I am ill, for example.
Or lots of other stuff.
But … how did I let go? That is the interesting question!
Was it as simple as making the decision, finally – and then following up by action.
In a sense it was. But that is not and should not be the entire explanation.
So what else?
Another thing has to do with maturing, I suppose. I have been maturing as a person and this decision, in turn, has been maturing inside me – to let go of trying to control a future I have precious little control over.
Sure, I know what I have to do and I still have to work hard, but what I’m trying to get at here is … that I’ve changed on some fundamentals.
I really feel I’ve let go of this fear of not having enough in the future which so often let me to sell out my present to stress-full work (and thus defeat the purpose). For, as I’ve blogged before: What’s the point of trying to insure your happiness in the future, if it makes you more or less consistently stressed in the present?
Only in a pure survival-scenario, like if stranded on a deserted island, would that make sense. And even then I suppose, you’d probably have more than enough time to enjoy the present – willing or not.
I wish I could explain it better than a mere decision, but there it is.
It is, however, a decision matured. It has matured for a long time and it has to do with a realization of the futility of trying to sell out your present to insure your happiness in the future, so to speak.
Just as profound as the realization I had in 2006 which cured me of the deep and devastating anxiety that had gotten me into hospital: If I could never get better there was no point in hating and berating myself for certain thought and other matters, only in trying to make as much good time as possible to enjoy – during the minutes and hours I was not suffering.
Deep realizations followed up by definitive, all-encompassing action.
So I guess I have explained it better now, right?
Perhaps. But have I explained it enough for someone else to realize what they have to do to copy it?
Probably not in most cases. Besides, it is a state of mind that comes about not as a result of reading but as a result of experiencing, for a long time. Then a desire for change is cultivated in the soul.
But if I can aid that change, however little, I shall be satisfied.