These past weeks have been a deluge of baby-care, dealing anew with the trauma of the birth after Char began therapy again for it, trying to remake our small apartment to a better home for a family, and, well, moving – temporarily to a new house.
The latter is a borrow from a friend who is in Paris with his family, but it is a good borrow even if the logistics added have been heavy … It is a base we can use until we get sorted out the other stuff, and get new energy from being in a real house – relatively big, definitely in order, and with a garden around and quiet neighborhood.
But otherwise … disarray.
Char’s damaged hand means that I carry Jay around most of day and night, not getting any work done and earning money and getting less sleep and more arguments with Char about stupid things we don’t need to fight about, because we both are strung out.
And without and ending or a sort of conclusion and new direction … none of that.
For just today I learned that my mum may have cancer – again. She has a tumor in her breast (the remaining breast, after her last bout with cancer – 14 years ago).
So … that, too.
Just when I thought, after a weekend’s tumult, that Char and I at least had picked up some pieces and set out some course on where to go with the therapy, with the practicalities, when to work again, and so on.
I was already in a semi-crisis mode and perhaps that is the reason I feel strangely quiet inside now, and not slipping further down the ladder, although that may yet come.
But I feel quiet inside – so far. No panic. Just a great sadness and heaviness. I am so sorry too for my mother and my father, if that makes any sense … but I so deeply wish they could have and will have more happiness.
I don’t believe life is unjust as such, although it definitely is hard and people die and suffer and die some more. But I do believe and feel there is Light beyond and a meaning and coherence to all things, which we can feel part of now if we direct out attention towards it. That is my world view and it hasn’t changed.
But it will have to serve me well now, and I will have to put it into action, without hiding the truth. That, as it is for all people, this is a deep shadow. It may become even deeper.
We will have to be much light to journey through it and still come out whole.