313. A Prayer To The Soul

So we went back to the borrowed house in a nearby smaller city to get a little away from our cluttered (albeit better-looking-with-new-couch) apartment in the bigger city. Kind of like going on holiday, except that in my heart there never seems to be a holiday.

Since Char’s father died in 2015 there have been other deaths – my aunt, from a heart attack; Char’s grandmother after a long period of suffering from all kinds of things. Then there was a cancer scare with Char’s mum, and my sister-in-law’s mother almost died from kidney failure.

Throughout this period we’ve had to move twice: first because our contract expired, second time because of a chain-smoking neighbor. And I almost went down and out due to my night shift job as a helper for disabled persons, in the summer of 2015, due to exhaustion. Then I finally quit and began eating of my unemployment insurance.

Then in early 2017 I formalized my little webdesign company with the appropriate papers and dropped out of the insurance-system, which was approaching deadline anyway.

Then Jay was born with all the waves that it made, both due to the traumatic birth but of course also later due to the very normal exhaustion of dealing with a newborn.

During summer I also had to fight with clients, or lack of clients, and accompanying frustrations.

In short, it feels like a wave that’s just been rushing over me for 2½ years now. The only time we had that was stable and joyous was the 6 weeks we spent traveling in Peru and Bolivia in the summer of 2016. Despite me catching a cold, way up in the mountains  (not fun), it was a good trip and I have warm memories of it all.

It healed and renewed.

When is the next healing and renewal period?

If my mother has cancer and it is terminal, or becomes terminal this year or the next, then that period will not be there for a long time still.

She had her CT-scan today and the results will be in on Oct 20, along with results from other tests. Then we will see.

I’ve always found it difficult to ask for, wish for, pray for peace. Something in me, despite rational considerations, feels unworthy of it.

Because so many other people suffer.

So why should I and my loved ones be allowed a pass?

Not that we have been passed over these past years and before that. I remember my long period of hospitalization with a psychic breakdown in 2005-06, the years of unemployment and then shitty jobs after that.

I remember my mother’s first bout of cancer in 2003 and before that my father-in-law almost dying from liver failure because he had been drinking too much for too long.

And so on.

That is life and there are worse lives, surely. I just have to watch TV to see …

But I also feel it is deeply wrong not to be able to wish for peace because you somehow feel unworthy. It is not something I would say should be true for anyone else, especially not my son. I would say that everyone deserves peace. Healing. Happiness.

And still a part of me seems to have trouble with that part – when it comes to myself. And how can I hope to ever come to a period of peace, or relative peace, if I am not able to make peace with that part and have it allow me to receive … good?

I don’t think this is some kind of metaphysical explanation primal cause for why things are as they are in my life, or the lives of others. Although self-love surely plays a role, an important role, in any healing.

I guess because of where I am one of the first things I have to wish and pray for then is more self-love. I have to admit that even in such relatively dire straits, a monster just popped out of the basement, refusing me happiness – even in such circumstances.

I have seen it move like a shadow beneath the surface of my mind. I have felt it these past days, when I have desperately sought some kind of stability and strength – thinking about what to do if this or if that or just right now, all the time juggling a baby and trying to work and get something to eat and not tear my relationship apart.

So this is what it has come to for me, after all this time. Very well. I admit another defeat, another shortcoming.

I wanted so much to use this life to help others. It’s been a thread in my attempts to choose an education (international development studies combined with communication) and my voluntary work for campaigns to ‘end poverty’ and so on. And of course in the way I’ve tried to be there for friends and family, when they needed me.

And despite all my good intentions, all my insight, all my experience, all my … love – despite all of my capabilities, I am here – in a very fragile position, despite the strengths I still have.

And still, a part of me seems to oppose my attempts to heal, to ask for and receive a period of peace and respite.

That is a hard admission to make.

And all I can do is every moment I have with just a little bit of freedom of mind and space, to ask my Soul – in there somewhere – to work fully with me, to set me free. To receive help. Try to soften up whatever hard barrier once petrified around it.

There is only that one thing to do in such a situation.

Like climbing a mountain, one step at a time. As you do with any mountain.

So I ask you, my Soul, whatever hurt you so you seem to shy away from fully giving me what I need right now in this dark situation – the sheer, clear allowance to receive help from others – please, let go of it.

Please let go of it and then help me.

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