In a situation of waiting and uncertainty – to know if my mother has cancer again and how bad it is – I would love to have given some advice to myself, and then to others. The problems is, I’m not sure I’m ready to follow such advice yet.
I feel locked inside, stuck.
Even now, and this is serious enough, I have maybe half an hour left before Char comes home with Jay and we are off to my aunt’s birthday. So little time to get my thoughts together.
Having Jay, and even having to take extra care of him, due to Char’s damaged hand, is a blessing in some ways, because it reminds you of life, hope and joy. And it is a plain distraction, too. But most of all it is duty – if your head is in the right place on your shoulders you know you have to be a parent.
There is no opt-out. No matter the situation. You have to do what is best for your child, at all times.
Night and day, through sickness and health (your own – or that of your loved ones).
But it is also a strain, because I have such a huge need partly just to relax and be alone, partly just to try to get my head together on this situation – see if I can find some thoughts of hope and strength, some ideas that will support me now.
Or just get time to read something supportive.
So how can I blog about how to help others, to uplift the spirit, when I cannot do this for myself in such a situation? Due to my own shortcomings or due to the situation – the demands of parenthood and all the rest?
I don’t know. I guess I can only invoke time …
Right now, while I am in it, I don’t know what to do and I can only chronicle it the best I can and always – always – reminds myself that there is only meaning in seeking hope.
And one hope I do have time and energy to ferret out of my chaos is the experience that time does heal and bring wisdom.
I may not have the answers today for myself, or surplus to find them – much less to support others, like my mother. Much less to write something, which is the idea of The Blog, that will support people I will never meet.
I may not have that today. But I may tomorrow.
Or in other days to come.
I know from experience that I will have experience and that I will have some solutions to offer, as time passes. To myself and others.
The only thing I have to remember is to believe it, so I don’t break down and get stuck. Then I will have nothing.
So I have to believe and remind myself that things will get better, if nothing else then my ability to heal and survive and get energy.
If I remind myself of this every day and keep looking for it, instead of looking down in the gutter.
That is what I can offer today.
The experience that tomorrow will bring something better. If you allow yourself to move on to tomorrow.