315. Not The Valley

After feeling emotionally in a hole these past days, there is a renewed sense of … some strength. I have had this feeling before that I should not take anything for granted about what is going to happen now.

Like I wrote:

Don’t take anything for granted.

Don’t take for granted that this is the time for my mother to die, and it’s going to be very sad and painful, and everything is going to fall apart. Like, tomorrow.

Stay open.

It felt right, very deeply, so I’m doing that for now.

I will attempt to make this feeling stronger, by finding ways of inviting it.

It is a fine line, because I must not fall into the trap of thinking I am having some kind of intuition or vision that all will be well. I don’t know that.

But obviously some part of me – perhaps that Soul part that does shine through the clouds of the mind here and there – it seems to once again be telling me: Don’t fall into another trap – of seeing everything through a cloud.

Don’t take anything for granted.

I will allow myself to have had these dips into the waves of despair for a few days, for some parts of those days. I wrote about them. They were real.

But I will also fight for this feeling. Find a way to invite it in, without interpreting it as anything more than hope.

And whatever the case, that hope is real enough. You cannot contradict it because there is nothing to contradict yet. We first get results about if my mother really has cancer again and how bad it is on Oct 20.

Rationally it is also the right thing to do, but as all humans know – bloody difficult. So I won’t stay open to the idea of other stories than the worst, just because I am trying to be more rational. I don’t think I can be much more rational than I am trying to be now.

No, it’s rather about feeling that I have to be good to myself. What I felt yesterdays that had the unmistakable tinge of despair, yes, that was real – but I mustn’t allow it to wash over me again and again. That is not helping anyone. I must admit, that yes there are real clouds. But there is also sky and sunshine. I must look for it all.

So much for metaphors. I am not very good at them I’m afraid. But they do the job of reminding me to feed my strength as well.

I have to accept it’s going to be back and forth emotionally from now on and I have to show that to others and remind them of that as well – especially my mother. Both experiences are okay and natural, but we have to – have to – continue to move between them. Never stop. Especially not in the valley.