318. Through the Arctic

We’re still in the other city, just taking walks, washing clothes, shopping and looking after Jay.

And thinking about when and how I can get back to earning money, what’s going to happen with my mother and family, and burning the batteries helping with Jay because Char’s hand is still bad.

But fine. That is reality. It is accepted. Like grey icebergs and dangerous whirls beneath a choppy Arctic sea.

I have to sail it.

But many days are strange in such a course. Because nothing much is happening I feel nothing much is going to happen, especially to my mother.

It could be intuition, wishful thinking or denial.

I know that and I don’t care much, except for the few moments when I do.

I know I have to sail on, best course, best speed. Not just for the sake of my son, Char and anyone else around me.

For the sake of me.

If there is one thing I have learned it is that I have to live. After years of depressions and worse, I know, I have to live. And by that I mean live well.

Breathing is not so difficult.

What other choice is there?

I will have to and I will find out how best to do so and share it.

And that is another conclusion I’ve been reminded of these days: That this blog is not for fun.

It is actually the most important thing I have.

I don’t feel like creating any other assets and even if I did I barely have the time and energy.

Barely enough to be self-employed. To deal with everything.

But I can find ways to make myself feel better and stronger and make others feel that way, too, even if they – if I – also feel like crap.

It doesn’t have to be a pure victory.

And as long as I’m going for the most victory possible, I’m on the right course.