319. The Project

We went back to our old apartment today to clean up, after having had Jay checked one final time at the hospital for some muscle problems that made him kind of cramp too much to the right side; probably a result of his hard birth.

It was nice – that Jay is on the right track to functioning normally, with that. I’ve not written much about it but we’ve worried a lot about it, and it has made his head a little skewed to one side, as if the cranium is pushed a bit too much to the right. But if we can work with him still for many months and get him to lie mostly on the left side, it should become even again.

It’s not much, but it’s something we should do and want to do.

Like cleaning up our apartment and re-arranging everything to make it more family friendly. We bought a new couch and assembled it, but there are still a lot of stuff we have to throw out.

Still … after so much throwing out and ordering and throwing out in the spring, before Jay.

But we’re down to a few boxes now, even if if they feel heavy enough, I’d say we have made good progress. Now that I’m thinking of that I feel good.

Even if the place feels to small, especially after our ‘holiday house’. But that place is home. And it has our stuff.

I felt that, too, even the few hours we were there.

Then we drove back to the holiday house and I went for a walk with the carriage and a very tired Jay.

In the darkness and lamp shine of the villa neighborhood there was again enough time to think.

About my mother but also other things.

I’m thinking that perhaps my search, for a long time, for The Thing To Do With My Life, might just be … blog.

Maybe it feels right to just live, work, take care of my family, do my best in all things big and small.

But that Big Project – like writing a famous book or going to save the children in Africa somehow – is not for me. I feel other people can do these things better than I, especially because I have so little capital – financial, political, cultural when it comes to Africa. When it comes to famous books, I just don’t feel like that any longer. As I’ve already written about I know this motivation has been in me, for some reason, and it is deeply wrong.

And the list goes on. These are just two of the Big Things, I’ve chased and tried to do with my life and then not really done.

But maybe I don’t need to.

Maybe I just need to share all that I have learned.