323. Rationally

Tried to get some work done today, and that was challenging to say the least. There is no proper room to work in here in the house we have borrowed, only a big living room and a bedroom and a children’s room. So I have to walk half an hour to the nearest library, which is not all that good a place to sit anyway.

Then we try to take turns so that Char gets out with the carriage for an hour or an hour and a half and I can work here at the table in the living room.

The situation would not be that much different in our apartment back in the City, though. I would have to get out of the house, and go to the nearest library, since I stopped paying for office space. The latter was not very optimal, because the noise-level was great and the furniture run down. And as my income continued to decrease, due to all kinds of distractions, I decided it was better to quit.

It is not the lack of suitable, nearby office-space, though, which is the main problem. When we do get back to the City I will have the Royal Library which is very good for my needs, and occasionally I can rent an office for a day.

No, the main problem is that I am still half-way involuntarily on maternity leave with Char, because her hand just doesn’t get better very quickly and I have to lift Jay a lot.

Some days – like this – I feel really, really frustrated at this situation. But in a sense it is mostly my own frustration that is the problem. Because I have difficulty in finding time and space to earn money and I feel my priorities are divided.

Objectively, though, we don’t suffer and will not suffer for some time, financially. We have Char’s inheritance which is still about 60K USD after she has paid off her loans and bought some new furniture and other stuff.

We can draw on that for many months, plus Char’s insurance payments now that she no longer gets salary. And although it would have been nice to have that money for a down-payment on a small house in the suburbs, it won’t matter an awful lot for our ability to buy such a house in 2 or 3 years when we really need it.

The only thing that matters then is our credit-worthiness which will be evaluated by the bank by looking at how much we earn each month and how much we still owe, for example on our student loans. In short: How much can we pay each month to pay back a loan of about 250K USD which is probably what it will take to buy a small house with 4 or 5 rooms in the suburbs of the City.

That’s all. Not our current cash-reserve.

Correction: Char’s cash reserve. I only have debt, loans and credit card. Last I looked I was short of about 1000 USD to make it to zero – even when I factored in the money I had on my company’s account.

But that’s reality. I’m not here to whine about that. It is largely a situation of my own making, although I have been hit by some storms over the years.

Now, the problem this day is that when I think about what will happen if I choose to help Char more, and this is something we both want. Then there will be a net drain, most likely on our finances, and although Char sometimes sounds worried about this there is, as said, little doubt that she wants and needs my help here.

So why am I still frustrated? Probably because I don’t like debt and because I really, really want to earn money. More money. By myself.

But I have to stay cool about this. There are some wise words, if I recall – about economic decisions: They should only be made rationally. With your head, not your heart.

That also goes for the decisions to prioritize other things, which cause you to forego earning money.