Reality set in today (for the nth time) as I tried to eke out work-hours while Char was away with Jay from the house, for as long as she could do it with her tenosynovitis and morale keeping up with autumn mist-rain.
I got about 4 hours, not all of them good. None of them used on marketing for new customers or product creation. Instead I did a good part of a crime-author website for a nurse who has written her first two books and self-published.
But it was a good lead, worth about 750 USD, from one of my colleagues in the communications business, and it is better than doing webshops for people who sell, well, pillows. (I’ve done that – sweet girls who owned the shop but not exactly the most thrilling product!)
The library where I spent the last 1.5 hours, after Char came home, was crowded, though. So I left early and a bit angry.
Then I called my mum and she still felt like she meant it, when she assured me she was in good spirits. Although she was obviously affected. Obviously …
She told me about her decision to have a complete mastectomy of her remaining breast and how she had woken up early in the morning, thoughts racing, and then suddenly … calm. And she knew it had to be done.
No part operation. No chemo. Just That.
It’s heavy. But not as heavy as the last time – in 2003 – in a strange way. And I’m glad. In a strange way.
I hope it will go well and that will be it for many years. Perhaps always.
Char and I fought with Jay to try to get him to sleep and the only spark left, I guess, from our actual good, shining grown-up relationship that started so long ago was something like agreeing not to yell at each other and just do what we had to do. Take him for walks in the carriage even if it was late and rainy. Take turns. Cook for each other. Take shifts. Work like robots.
I don’t even think anything was wrong with him, although he is probably going to teeth soon. I think he was just difficult, our little dragon.
But maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.
But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.
You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.