329. After Storms

A storm blew over our country this night and wrecked some things, but not much compared to other parts of the world. It made me think again about how grateful we should be for this geographical location, and how I should be more grateful of the assets I have, instead of bemoaning what I have not.

Such reminders are slightly laced with unproductive guilt, though. So after reflecting a bit this morning I find a more constructive approach to emphasize the assets I have, like credit in the bank – as opposed to a farmer in Bolivia.

It’s like the difference between saying to yourself: “Look – how grateful you should be instead of being ungrateful that you have credit” – and “Wow, I just remembered I still have lots of credit – and lots of opportunities.”

A small but important difference that makes you feel empowered and for the right reasons.

Stuff like this should be, as mentioned in a post in spring, second nature to me after recovering from anxiety etc. in 2006 by doing my own sort of cognitive therapy-program. And yet I find it very difficult to continually optimize, so to speak, my thoughts.

I find myself more like in an ocean of emotions, cast back and forth, and only sometimes remembering I once figured out how to navigate a part of it – maybe Cape Horn – very smoothly. But that experience doesn’t always translate to other waters – or other habits of the mind – of thinking – of certain situations.

But I will be motivated to up my ante more now that it seems I will only progress slowly towards earning more – like the 4K USD/month that is my first goal, no matter how I earn it – through systems or services.

I foresee a time horizon of at least 5 years, given my current situation with a little kid and no real work space as self-employed except the occasional library and a rather significant debt still. Those currents and the vicissitudes of life make it less plausible that I will make it to that goal before.

There’s no moaning in here, just statement of facts as I perceive them. From this point in time. As always.

I have shelved thinking about my relationship with Char and how to get it back to some semblance of normalcy, in all respects. There is nothing normal about having a baby and being under-employed. At least not compared to the alternative, ha. But we make do.

And we make some good progress in getting along better, using our 20-year relationship experience better … after a rough start. With added birth trauma, of course, and all sorts of problems for me at work or finding work and logistics of moving around two places of living and now my mum’s illness.

But it is getting better, and that is a strength. Much more, as I have said, than some money. (Although it helps that my girlfriend has a big bank account after her inheritance, ha.)

Anyway, today we are going to drive back to the capital City because I have a live-talk about Columbus (my little hobby enterprise) tomorrow at a sort of teaching center. It is still windy outside and we are wondering about the right time to go because it is not fun driving on the freeway with gusts of wind rattling the car.

Seems a lot like life right now – wondering when to go and where to go and how. It is often like that but right now the horizon seems more clouded than ever, except that I know I’m going to be a parent in my best years instead of as a young adult or just as, well, an adult. Ha.

But that is not so bad. I can think of worse storms. Because this is a storm that leaves something valuable behind, after all the things are uprooted.