Remember how I wrote the other day about my sudden feeling that maybe – just maybe – I could begin again to write a story again and earn some money on it and express myself meaningfully through it? Well, today of course started the first doubts – again.
You probably also remember how I mused about doing it all in just a blog, where the story was one piece of the blog and a lot of informational articles, reviews etc. about the topic of the story made up the rest of the blog – and attracted attention. Both from humans by way of websites linked to the blog and humans using search engines.
Well, I have since set myself the task of finding just 10 such articles on blogs and whatnot I could link to and comment and excerpt on my own, new blog. You know, after baby, after work, after dishes … I could find a few hours and I did.
So what did I do with them?
I figured that if I wanted to write a fiction story about reincarnation, or something like Highlander (the first and only movie), then articles about metaphysical subjects would do nicely as a starter. Then I could get history and the rest in later.
I typed in a search for “blogs” and “NDE” (near-death experiences) to see what was out there and quickly found about 10 candidates that looked interesting.
And now I’ve looked at some of them and I get this sinking feeling …
I know it is just a small sample, on one angle to my proposed ‘blog portal with a story’. Another angle is the historical one, for example reblogging and commenting on reviews of historical fiction and non-fiction books – or recommending them myself. Obviously that is an interesting angle as well, if I want to do a story about a character who, say, remembers past lives and sets out to search for a truth (the truth?) about whether or not these lives are for real.
So – the spiritual angle, if you will …
I mean, I just tried “near death experiences” which is a fairly well-researched scientific topic (believe it or not – or check iands.org), and I got mostly … propaganda for new books or very abstract, intellectual musings about this or that result from this or that research. Some of it grounded, some of it less so. None of it felt really resonant.
I’m not sure why … Is it because I just want to start writing and not start both writing and building a platform at the same time?
It is probably because I am not all that interested in research about near-death experiences, or any other metaphysical phenomena. Or anecdotes. Or visions. Or new cosmologies based on these experiences.
I have read such stuff since I was 14, I have had what some would term metaphysical or spiritual experiences myself (such as sensing a ‘Big Light’ or ‘Connection’ to the universe, for lack of better words) and I’ve debated ad nauseam in my younger years with people about whether or not any of this could be true and if so, what are the consequences.
I know pretty well where I stand myself on this issue of whether or not there is ‘more’ – such as something we could call ‘past lives’. I believe there is. To be more precise: I find it highly plausible. For a number of reasons – some of them intellectual, some emotional, some practical.
I guess I care more about the practical in this stage of life. Like: If I pray to ‘God’ or ‘a god’ -really fervently, really often – in all the prescribed ways … what kind of results seem to appear in my life? Can I use that practice for something positive, even if I can’t use it, ultimately, to ‘prove’ God’s existence?
Or mediation? Or alternative medicine? Or astral projection? Or whatnot?
So is that what I should be researching instead?
Or should I give this part of my brilliant marketing plan up and just try to write again and market it later?
Or should I … do something else entirely?
Or is this sample of blogs about a topic related to my vague idea of a story too small to conclude anything from?
Probably a connection of all of the above answers and it drives me nuts.
So I think I will – once again – walk the talk and use prayer:
“God – if you are listening, please give me a strong indication of what to do with this … vision of a blog with a story and informational material about past lives and related matters – about the question of ‘why we are here’, ultimately. I really appreciate this. Thank you.”
I will say this to myself, to empty space and to God – I believe – often in the next many days, in different variations, depending on prescribed method of prayer. I will meditate and contemplate it. And I will continue to research.
I probably won’t answer or prove where any sudden revelation of clarity comes from, but I feel I need to shift my energy here and believe that there is a source – inside or outside – that will bring me clarity. Without having to research (that much). And without having to think more (that much). And without having to experiment and google more blogs (not that many anyway) to try my ideas and intuition out on reality.
In short: Some source that can help me – point me more in the right direction, so I don’t go somewhere and suddenly see that Wall again I’ve seen so many times when trying to figure out how to be creative and enjoy it and earn a buck and make a little difference at the same time.
Some power that I don’t feel I currently have myself to clarify this idea and its potential. Or to help me put it aside – again. At least for now.
I have to do that. And relax. And the answers will come.
And so I try it and I will let you know when they come.