338. Time And Again

Didn’t get much done today because of logistics – packing the borrowed car and going from our own apartment to the borrowed house. We had been staying at our real home in the weekend plus Monday to get some chores done, and now I had to drive a baby and lots of stuff to B without going crazy.

Luckily Jay behaved most of the way, and it was a relatively short trip, so good enough. Not so lucky, the rhythm of the day had been broken a bit and we spent most of the afternoon at the borrow-house trying to get him to sleep, or just trying to take care of him in shifts when he was fussy or otherwise.

But at least it allowed me to conclude certain things, while driving Jay’s carriage around provincial city suburbia …

And that is that none of my creative plans will come to fruition, whatever monetary goals may or may not be attached. They won’t do that as long as I am in the present fix and don’t choose to prioritize my family’s immediate needs less, in favor of working more, trying to find more customers and trying to stop the bleeding from my credit.

I could do it. It’s a choice. With consequences yes – positive and negative, but it’s not something God has told me to do (work less, earn less, stay home more).

I could do it. But I won’t. Not yet.

I’ll try to get in some more time, because Char seems more accepting now that we can’t cure her hand until Jay starts daycare so now it’s just a question of stopping that from getting worse, not curing. For another 4 or 5 months.

So I can try to amp up work slowly and we can arrange for Char to go to some other family, even if they live a bit away.

Then I can hope my time investment yields results – that is not certain.

But for the foreseeable time I only will have about 15-20 efficient work hours, and that includes time for marketing, accounting – everything – every week.

So I really, really have to up the ante again on my ‘Anti-Colonization of Space policy’ … meaning discard all unnecessary things I put into my mind and spend my time on.

I tried it several times in Spring – to detox from the Internet and each time I fell through (big surprise reveal!). But now I will try it again: No news or social media, except 15 min each morning. No email except work-related mail once per day, unless … something exceptional. I will try that again – so simple and yet so difficult.

But I realize that the few hours I do have, over an entire day – divided in minutes her and quarters there – they will not be used efficiently, if I have a habit of ‘zoning out’ with the latest news about nothing. My mind will get polluted and in the habit of eating junk, also in between those islands of time. Which means I won’t be able to cold start doing something meaningful when I have 15 minutes. I have not warmed up. I have been thinking about some idiotic social media story while walking with Jay in his carriage. I have not been thinking about what to blog, for example.

So that’s one reason.

But a darn good one.

I wonder how many times I am going to repeat this lesson …

But I take heart in the fact that it is very difficult to discard bad habits (not an excuse here – just an observation), especially when it comes to discarding small dependencies like chocolate or random net surfing, because they are designed to hijack the brain’s reward centers. Even if empty calories …

And, well, that’s just it. Again.

But then I will fight it – again. Because I can do it.

I have to do it.

There simply is not time for anything else with a baby and an ailing business.