I really don’t remember much of what I did today, so it must have been a very ordinary day – fortunately, I suppose. Because such days tend, at least for me, to give some space to think about my life and how I can make the best of it.
Well, in between feeding Jay and during cooking and shopping and so on. I did some preparatory work for a course next Tuesday, but since there were no new clients I decided not to spend to much time throwing around pitches and help in the house instead. So fair enough – and my decision.
Once I got the idea for the new past lives-story and began to think (and fret) about that, it opened the door to all sorts of other worms. Creative worms that is. I wonder how many of them will live on …
But the conclusion at this date is clear:
Exhibit A is that there is not even time enough to really work and earn money, unless I decide to forego my family (a short-term benefit, obviously, but needed given the situation with Char’s health and so on) big time.
Yes, I have to amp up those hours to work and downgrade hours at home, and I think Char is ready for that, and we have talked about it, and I am starting to figure it out.
It is going to be a balancing act but it can work – for maybe 30 efficient work hours in the best weeks until, I dunno, new year … barring any other unforeseen bombs being thrown my way, and I wouldn’t bet on that not happening.
So that leaves … about 0 hours for writing or drawing. No matter how many fine ideas I come up with that I have not already entertained, during this year of blogging, in one way or another. It doesn’t matter how much merit some of them have or how much I feel I need to do one creative thing and not another, or how much clearer I have come that I really want to write a particular story and no secondary motives (like the idea that I will fell more self-worth, for example) which will skew it all, thank you.
It doesn’t matter. Because there isn’t time.
Except for blogging. I have to hold on to blogging, because it is the best purpose I feel I can live out in this world, in this life, at this time – sharing my experiences and really trying every day, no matter the situation, to turn my sights on the lights in the dark.
So I will do that past lives story, or start on it, bit by bit, on this blog and then maybe it can have its own blog or ebook or whatnot later on.
Same with a new idea for drawing something, which I have not been able to kill and therefore must deserve a chance to live, despite all the complicated musings I have had about this creativity in my life.
Same with a new idea for a novella, like my Shade of the Morning Sun-stories, only with a new main character and in a new setting. That must also start, in bits and pieces here, and then – maybe come Spring when Jay starts daycare and the world still stands and my mother is still alive – maybe it can grow into something else. Something on its own.
You can always argue that I am afraid to prioritize these things, the creative things, and you’d be right. I’m not making excuses. In my book the price is too high – money and family time. So they will be there, but only to an absolute minimum. I don’t need any more conflicting themes in my life until, realistically, I have more space and time. And that won’t happen until Jay starts daycare and even then there will be new struggles.
But right now, no matter the idealism, it just doesn’t seem tenable to stand up and say: ‘Now I will really prioritize Creative Project A so I can show what I am made of and do this before I die’.
No, now is the time to be patient and chip away at this bit by bit and then plan for the future. If that is the wrong choice, so be it, and it is certainly a difficult choice. But I see no other way.
Just another day in parent-land, but fortunately that is also a land with many other green pastures.