A quieter day where I tried not to work, as promised to Char, and then kept looking for opportunities to do something anyway. Originally I reckoned that I would blog, but I ended up redoing my landing page at my business website in the 1.5 hours or thereabouts I did get of spare time throughout the day.
It was a day when we otherwise focused on Jay, on ‘us’ (as much as we could) and of beginning to clean up the house that we have borrowed; make it ready to hand it back to its rightful owners next week.
If I had had the time to blog more I would have noted some thoughts I had about my mother in the wake of recent days’ events. I used time on that damn distraction that was my company website, so this is written almost a week later.
But never mind, my conclusion is beginning to crystallize … Whatever choice my mother makes there will always be uncertainty for me, and probably for the rest of us as well. Chemo won’t kill that. The chances of her surviving until 80 or 75 or 85 aren’t really as important – really – as the quality of time that we spend together and the quality of time she makes for herself until she needs to leave this dimension.
And so there are some things I can do, no matter what she chooses about chemo and no matter what the future holds. First of all, I can call her more often (and my father), as well as my brother and sister-in-law who live nearby – I can connect more with all of them, even if we live many hours away.
Second, I can begin to give more, even when I am away – like think of ideas of what to give my mother especially (because she is at the center of events right now, but in truth this perspective holds for all of my family). I was thinking that no matter what happens in the near-term any kind of encouragement and uplifting energy would be welcome for my mother, something that helps her – and me – to see and focus on wider horizons than our own little world and day-to-day worries about the bodies we are in and how to make ends meet.
So I was thinking about making a collection of music for her – for example, Enya, Moya Brennan and Clannad. Stuff I have not delved into for a long time but which really makes me feel that there is something more and something really beautiful to this world, and this would be a chance to focus on that music again and share it and its energy. So that I will do – next weekend.
Lastly, I will focus more on how to create events, and opportunities to visit, with Jay and Char so my parents can be as much grand parents as they want to and need to. I will also focus on sending photos and little stories about Jay and how things are going many times a week.
If I do all of this I do feel empowered myself. It does not feel like a chore or something to stave of fear of death and decay (although that consideration is certainly part of the reason for re-focusing on this relation and connection in a more powerful way – with my mother and family).
So I do this. It is a choice of how to live best that does not really require an answer to how long we will live or whether or not my mother decides to have chemo or not.
It is a choice about how to empower and uplift and improve relations. And that is always something that should be in focus, although sadly it rarely is until the demand is great.
But I feel empowered even so. I feel encouraged thinking about all the things I can do to share some beauty and joy and power, no matter what turn events take.