Some thoughts about where I have been and where I am going …
I needed time to rediscover myself here, and ‘clean’ my motivations so I only do what my heart is really in. I feel now that I may want to at least draw something just for myself, and perhaps this blog, but mostly to use drawing as a meditative tool of enjoyment so to speak.
Nothing much new to do here but have patience and slowly up the work-hours and slowly down the baby-hours, striking a balance between the need for earning money (and having some time to myself) and the need to help Char and make our family function.
Whatever choice my mother makes there will always be uncertainty for me, and probably for the rest of us as well. Chemo won’t kill that. The chances of her surviving until 80 or 75 or 85 aren’t really as important – really – as the quality of time that we spend together and the quality of time she makes for herself until she needs to leave this dimension.
I still have a lot of work to do on my Robinson Crusoe-talk but it should be finished before January, if all goes well. However, I sent out a lot of direct mails to advertise this as well as my 4 existing talks about fascinating persons in history, and I have not sold one for 2018 thus far – not any new sell. I’m not going to push this, though.
For the moment I can afford to tread water while I wait for some course as regards my mother. But my credit account is propped up by a loan from Char’s inheritance, and it won’t be sustainable to use the former nor the latter as income. It’s just chipping away …
But right now it feels as if there is a long time until spring, so this one will just have to be in ‘wait-and-see-mode’ like so much else.
As usual in times when there are a lot of waves, I have barely had time for friends which is a major misstep and one I am repeating constantly.
I have missed gym for over a month, and I had just renewed my membership after a year’s absence. This will not do.
This is the domain of The Blog.
I have a bad habit still of latching on to certain aspects of the outside world and try to control them before I stop and reflect if there were some viewpoint that would negate my need to force something upon the outer world. It is not so bad anymore – that habit – but it still rears its head often.
I am focusing on only one really important meaningful thing, in the greater scheme of things – so to speak. And that is The Blog. Aside from all that and the usual about being a good man, brother, father, friend … there is not much in the way of Big Purpose for me, I believe, than to try to share my experiences.
Char and I have a serious need to catch up. Not with sex or ‘adult talk time’, obviously, because those things will only stress us given the current situation. More about really getting the feel that we are in this together to help each other, to sacrifice for each other, to think of each other. Even when there is so little surplus. We really need to refocus our love through our work with Jay – starting by focusing on talking nice to each other all the time, especially when we are tired. Some adult time now and then, won’t harm the project either, though.
I have asked for help, out into the universe which I believe to contain some … power or other … that I may get inspiration for this or that. Recently on how to deal with my mother’s new illness, but also about money. I will do it again.
Has to take care of itself for awhile.
Lots to think about here, but for another post. In time.