Not much noted in my calendar today, so I think we prioritized getting out of the apartment (while the usual pipe-work was going on) and to the second house we have borrowed in so many months. And then what?
Since there is not much in the calendar, as said, I think I probably chose to focus on Jay and Char for some reason, but it was likely a good one. In any case, and speaking of focus …
I have not had much success with my various Internet Detox-programs, which I started writing about back in March or February. I admit it.
I wanted to, but time and time again I fell through and spent precious time on junk, such as superficial news or porn or buzz (people chatting about this and that).
I don’t have anything against porn, even though there is a lot to say against it – but not on moral grounds as such. And I don’t feel ashamed to watch porn once in awhile. But it has hijacked my focus on sex from Char (and other, real women – there is no rule in our relationship against fantasizing). And I don’t like that.
News is the same shit … what can you do about the world, except feel more and more outraged? Better to read it very briefly to see if anything really important has come up that affects you, or might, and then read some research or in-depth articles about an issue, such as a particular political issue. Poverty in Africa, injustice in Myanmar and Donald Trump’s new (and amazingly inept) kleptocracy in America – all of that is real and should be dealt with, at the very least by trying to create more abundance, more justice and more honesty around oneself in one’s daily life and be an inspiration. Which is why watching pundits whine endlessly about the state of affairs is not going to help and is no help.
Buzz? The value of buzz? What somebody on Facebook thought about some half-funny meme someone else sent along? Well, ’nuff said about that.
So this is It. Now I am quitting all that.
No porn – not ever again.
No news browsing, except for 10 minutes every morning on BBC, the local stuff and a US news site or two – to keep abreast of most important current developments.
No buzz. I’ll check by intuition which of my ‘friends’ on Facebook I should check on a given day, to see if something new and substantial has happened to them. The rest and the real I will give a call.
Instead I will allow myself to relax by watching videos about drawing or WordPress business.
I figure that since my time is insanely limited right now it makes good sense. With Jay and all the other distractions I barely have time for a full-time work week, usually much less and I am bleeding money from my credit because I don’t make enough to even pay for food and transport etc. On a day that I am home and we try to do laundry, cook, shop, clean up and look after Jay we barely have time for the first bunch of things and much less each other. I have maybe 20 minutes each evening, tops, where I can do what I want after Jay and Char has gone to sleep. After that I am too tired to continue.
So should I watch a TV-series? Seek out buzz? Porn?
None of that makes sense. And believe me – I’m not trying to be puritan here, but if it is a fact that a mind needs relaxing – “passive flow” – as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (God bless his name!) called it … if it is a fact that we are driven towards distractions that give us immediate relief from pain or unpleasant feelings as one psychologist has described it (and probably numerous others) …
… then why not try to redirect my awareness during that period towards something which can be used to built a life that I want, instead of just wasting time?
I mean, the distraction and relaxation-value is equally great for me whether or not I watch news or a video about drawing, but I know which one can aid me – eventually – to start drawing more again, by helping me tune into ‘the energy’ of drawing and, if nothing less, inspiring me and teaching me new skills.
And porn? You know, throughout my adult life there have been periods where I have not watched porn casually (not that I am, like, a super-porn addict but some weeks throughout my adult life I have watched porn every day for maybe half-1 hour per day, esp. during stressed times during my student years).
I have noticed that during these conscious ‘abstinence-periods’ I have naturally tended to look at my girlfriend as more sexy and have more fully-fledged sexual fantasies – more real fantasies with real people. Which were very bit as hardcore in sexual content as the porn, but also felt totally satisfying because it was a fantasy with, say, a woman that I really liked or with my girlfriend.
Then when I ‘got back into porn’ the sexual focus, outside of the bed shared with my girlfriend, quickly changed to ‘just getting off’, without connection, without personal contact.
So it seems as if sex is perfectly satisfied, so to speak, to be directed in any direction – the normal relationship with hard sex or just the hard sex. So why not choose a fantasy, or a real life situation, with the personal element add-on?
I’m not a puritan. I have had sex without much romance with my girlfriend and I would be perfectly fine, if we ever broke up, to have casual sex with someone I liked and who liked me in return. Just as I would be perfectly fine with eating chocolate once in a while instead of a good meal which is better for me in the long run, if that is a workable analogy.
So it’s kind of a no-brainer, right? To say not to porn? If real sex or imagined real sex can be every bit as satisfying – if you take the effort to focus on it?
Ah, if only habits – and addictions – were so easily put away.
If we drop the focus on ‘good porn’ for the moment, like ‘romantic porn’ or whatever, I think that 99 percent of all porn is visually focused on satisfying relatively shallow male desire for a woman’s flesh. Nothing more.
And that is addictive. If you allow it.
And more so because porn is still mostly ‘dirty’ and ‘forbidden’. I mean, when was the last time you saw someone have real sex in a movie in cinemas? Why not? There is no good answer to that – esp. when it is allowed to show graphic murder scenes in movies allowed for teens, but not real sex.
So the suppression of sexuality and the re-channeling of its outlet, at least on the fantasy-level, into porn … that is helping addiction, I believe. Addiction to the shallow sex without soul which is 90-99 per cent of all porn, depending on sub-genre. Why? Well, it’s a topic for another post, but if you could get the ‘help’ to sexual fantasy which porn represents, by watching all kinds of real sex in all kinds of normal movies, and nobody batted an eye at it … then you would arguably have a more regular outlet for this kind of fantasy or masturbation-facilitation, if you want to call it that.
If you suppress something and rein it in and allow it only to come out at certain times, like that one weekday when you are alone home and can watch porn uninhibited, then … the strength of the sexual energy will increase, and be ‘grafted’ more to that particular event. Even if part of you knows and feels that it is not the optimal sexual outlet, all things considered. And even if you have a relatively normal sexual relationship with or without a steady partner.
But as said, that is a topic for another post. Suffice to say: I am fed up with porn hijacking my sex-life with Char. I am fed up with it hijacking my sexual fantasies with Char and with others.
If many woman (sorry for the stereo-type) can get off on romance novels with hard sex in it, because these stories have context and an actual believable relation, romantic or otherwise, then of course men can do the same. Not necessarily on romance novels, but on, like just … imagining sex more. In the way they like it.
It is BS that men are somehow hardwired to turn on more when they see visual sex, and to hell with the context.
At least for me.
No more about that for now, but this is just a symptom of something overall – my tendency to veer off into distractions, porn or otherwise. Understandable as that may be given my current and past life situations, and as many times as I have failed to become more focused, I must strive to improve. And I will.
The easy and yet difficult question is that of Stephen “7 Habits” Covey is to ask yourself what you want people to remember about you at your funeral. I like to imagine my spirit seeing my body and thinking back on what I achieved. And spending countless of hours with the ‘B’s – boners, buzz, breaking news and battleships (any kind of random entertainment) – that just won’t hack it.
I’m not a puritan, that bears repeating. But the fact is that I badly want to draw more, now that I have thought and obsessed about this for years and I badly want to do better at business. I have already watched and read thousands of hours of porn, news, and entertainment. Oh, and good books, too – books that are important for your spirit and education and all that.
And I have 20 minutes every day to myself. After Jay starts daycare I might have an hour or two at best, because I still have to spend more time making money.
So those are facts.
They should make it easy to choose how to spend that time for some years in the future.