My first whole day alone, and it kind of sucked. I guess a part of me have had expectations that I have not quite sorted out.
First of all, I had not considered how much time I would get to spend already on stuff like cleaning up and doing laundry and X-mas shopping – all of which has been postponed while Char and Jay was here.
And second, I have not been totally okay with dedicating the next many days to cleaning up the office and micro-sorting everything and assembling the new furniture.
A part of me really wants to do the Alex Selkirk-talk again, or write a novella, or take a whole day off and just draw.
But I have decided not to. And it feels … okay. But not more.
And on top of that I have been tired. I guess it’s kind of an after-affect of trying to eke out hours to earn with webdesign, worrying about my mother and taking care of Jay and trying not to go crazy in our apartment while those workmen went back and forth.
I can’t just start out instantly doing something else – whether the necessary stuff, like getting that office home in order – or some dreamy let-me-be-all-creative-now-that-I-can-stuff.
It’s more messy than I thought, those few days off from the family. What I thought would be simple.
So I guess I will have to sort it all out in bits and pieces. Wrap my head around my decision to focus on the practical stuff of getting home sorted. Or do something else.
I think I will stick with my focus. And I think I will be able to do it sometime tomorrow, after I have gotten the mega-laundry, shopping and all sorts of errands out of the way.
I mean, Char has forgotten some of Jay’s stuff at an acquaintance’s apartment. There’s an X-mas present I have to go fetch, reserved for us, at a shop elsewhere – tomorrow.
It’s actually a toy-version of a fair trade Noah’s ark. For Jay. It’ll take some hours, but it’s a gift from both Char and I and we have not had time to get it before … well, before I have to go get it. Tomorrow.
I like the idea of that gift. I really like it. Even if he is not old enough to play with it yet.
But it’s … well, two hours that I should use at home, sorting out the stuff there. And so on.
And then this sense, that I’m working against the clock. That if I don’t get some of the errands done, get them out of the way, I won’t have time enough for anything else. And I won’t do anything of importance with the remaining 5 days.
Thoughts like that are like a virus.
I mean, it should be relatively simple. I have 5 days off. I either do work I have not had time for, at home, practical. Or I do creative stuff. Or a bit of both.
And now it feels like a part of me is making a big drama about it all.
Well … whenever for some reason I experience such … mess in my head, my experience tells me that I should find an anchor-point. Something to focus on. Something that is positive, even if it doesn’t feel like the answer to any of those problems, imagined or otherwise.
I think writing is a good start …
Hammer and Magic
Chapter 1: Tatiana
The Finland Station
8 November 1917